Related: Heroine Sheik Bonnie Ruberg's blog about sex, tech, gender, and videogames more screens most popular most commented The Juicy Tale of Naughty Nurse Meets Pirate Wench Click Me by Bonnie Ruberg Ninja Gaiden II for Xbox Goes Heavy on Gore and Glitches Game On by Gary Hodges Porn and Pong: Videogame Sex Beyond Grand Theft Auto Click Me by Bonnie Ruberg Guitar Hero and Rock Band Give New Meaning to Rock and Roll Excess Game On by Chris Ward Castle of Shikigami III Tests the Bounds of Wii Loyalty Game On by Gary Hodges Trash Talking With Harvey Weinstein by Tony Ortega Coming and Then Licking It Up. Is This a Gay Thing? Savage Love by Dan Savage At Home With Competitive Swallowers Crazy Legs and Eater X by Andy Kropa Gene Simmons and the Whores He Admires La Dolce Musto by Michael Musto Columbia's Knotty Noose Problem by Graham Rayman The 'W.' Stands for 'War Criminal' (17) Nat Hentoff Scientology's Crushing Defeat (14) Tony Ortega Runnin' Scared: From Brooklyn, a Rap Campaign Against Tight Clothes (9) Runnin' Scared: Arcynta Ali Childs Runnin' Scared: The City Pitted Kids Against Artists in the East Village (6) Runnin' Scared: Chloé A. Hilliard Savage Love: My Boyfriend Almost Fathered a Lesbian Couple's Baby?!? (5) Savage Love: Dan Savage

In the name of full disclosure, I should probably admit that I’m not actually poised in front of my computer with one hand down the front of my black, lacy panties (the preferred undergarment of my cybersex persona). I’m not even licking my chops in anticipation of an encounter with some beautiful avatar, who will take me to a private room, strip down to her well-rendered skin, and let me click all her clickable parts. No, I’m just sitting at my desk—one cyber transcript away from finishing the research for a paper on cybersex linguistics—wearing my flannel pajamas, scribbling in a notebook, and drinking a Diet Coke. Kinky, I know.

The point is, whatever the reason, I’m desperate. Just like in real life, meeting people online can be really hard. But it’s already late; I’ve got a deadline. I’m not expecting great cybersex. I just need something. And I need it now.

So here I am, throwing myself at my fellow Second Life-ers with all trite, awful pick-up lines. When I spot a hot, emo-boy avatar wall-flowering it on the side of the dance floor, I even sink so low as to ask him, “Hi, cutie, do you come here often?” Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised that he doesn't answer me. Nobody does. This is Second Life, right, the land of all things sex? Hell, I’m in an adult-themed club. I’m young and I’m female (then again, ostensibly so is half the Second Life population) and I’m ready to go. What am I doing wrong?

After more than an hour of tacky lines and cold shoulders, I give up. Deadline or no deadline, this is embarrassing. I’m about to sign off when I notice a man in a pinstripe suit dancing next to me—one of the few avatars in the crowd I haven’t solicited. “Nice suit,” I instant message him, my mouse already hovering over the “X” at the top of my Second Life window. Needless to say, five minutes later we’re cybering. And not dull, hokey, I’m-doing-this-for-research-but-God-this-guy-could-use-some-pointers cybering. Real, hot, down-on-the-ground-give-it-to-me cybering. In my line of work, that’s rare.

The moral? If this were an after-school special, I’d have to say that the key to meeting a good cybersex partner is to stop trying so hard and be yourself. Thankfully this isn't, so the key is: there’s definitely such thing as being too forward. “Hey, baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs,” is bound to be an unsuccessful opener in almost any encounter, real or virtual.

The best advice I can give is this: once you’ve found yourself in a situation to pick out a cybersex partner—that usually means hanging out in a social spot, like a club in Second Life or a busy AOL chat room—talk to your potential playmates. Strike up a conversation, preferably on a topic that doesn’t involve sex, at least not right away. Pinstripe suits will do. Or stir-fry. Or potted plants. It’s possible to flirt over just about anything.

For those cyber-ers used to the more fast-paced world of public chat room sex, this approach may seem old-fashioned. Totally contrary to my experience in Second Life, it is possible to lounge around a chat room, dole out cheesy pick-up lines to other users with interesting screen names, and find yourself windows deep in cybersex offers. If you’re a girl, or at least appear to be one, that doesn’t hurt either.

Still, actually taking a few minutes to chat up your potential cybersex partner will do two crucial things: 1) It’ll show them you’re not a creep, and that you’re willing to put time and energy into the experience--which in turn will make them trust you more with their imaginative fantasies. 2) It’ll give you a chance to scope out whether the person you’re talking to is interesting, intelligent, and well-written. Those aren’t just qualities to write home about (“Mom, I had online sex with the nicest boy the other day!”); they often translate directly to how good a cybersex lover your potential mate will be.

So the next time you want to pick up a partner but don’t know where to start, find a face in the crowd. Send over an IM, and let your own charm and intelligence shine through. Think of it like buying a sexy stranger a drink, only cheaper.

Last week: Webcam Sex: Time to Get Naked!

Click Me runs weekly. Contact cybersex columnist Bonnie Ruberg at bonnie[at]heroine-sheik[dot]com.