I’m No Good at Dirty Talk. How Long Can I Keep Moaning?

 Q. Currently I'm immensely enjoying cyber sex via voice chat. My partner is very good at describing his actions and what he is doing/wants/loves to do to me or wants me to do to him. The problem lies with me. I have these sexy scenarios in my head, but I can't seem to verbalize myself at the right moment. I have written something and read it to him, but I can't seem to spontaneously do anything but respond to what he is saying—and that half-assed, so to speak.

Part of it is the fact that so much of the sex vernacular is off-turning. And I don't know much of it to boot, I guess. I'm just at a complete loss how to begin to be a better sex partner for my online-sweetie. I mean, after all, how long can moaning and groaning and gasping only on my part keep a guy interested? —Tongue-Tied or Uptight?

A. Don’t worry, Tongue-Tied, you’re not uptight: you have cold feet, not cold loins. If you’re not used to doing it, dirty talk can be hard to get into for even the most libidinously endowed among us. Usually it’s not because we don’t have sexy things to say, it’s because we’re embarrassed to say them. First off, let your online partner know you’re having a lot of fun with him—you just need time to get up to speed. Then, for an expanded vocabulary, pick up a book of erotic short stories, like Best Women’s Erotica 2008. Once you feel more comfortable with sexy language, practice with some dirty-talk masturbation. Think of a situation that turns you on, hit record on a computer audio program, and blabber away. You might be surprised what comes out—and you can send the recordings to your partner to get him even more excited about the fun you’ll have with your newfound dirty mouth.

Q. I have a very unusual question. After years of being bored with cybersex, I've recently begun visiting a MUSH [a text-based virtual world] dedicated to a very peculiar set of interests, and I've found one role-playing partner there who I enjoy very much for her enthusiasm. A few nights ago she mildly annoyed me by trying to seduce me away from another partner I was engaged with; at the time I joked with her that I would 'punish' her for it.

My problem is, now she wants me to punish her. I haven't any experience with BDSM in real life, and I'm very intimidated by the idea of attempting it in text. How do I make being tied up feel sexy when there are no actual restraints? Neither of us are crazy about pain, but she wants to try spanking; I draw a blank when I try and think of good words to describe these things. I don't even know which parts of them I'm supposed to focus on. It's new territory for her too, and we've spent some time trying to talk about what might go into a scene, but I feel that if I can't go into it confidently and take control, I'll suck all the excitement out of it for her. —Hesitating with the Handcuffs