Hands-On Prez


It’s the oldest story ever told: Poor innocent Adam lost his rib, his heart, and literally the whole world to a no-good apple tart who was rotten to the core. And upstanding world leaders (like Bill on the Hill) have been helpless before (pick one) tarts, sluts, tramps, Lolitas, femmes fatale, seductresses, and whores, ever since.

As the media is quick to point out, it’s not only the seductresses who cause the trouble. It’s usually also the wives. If only these brave and brilliant men had married women who were (pick two) better, thinner, nicer, sexier, lesbians or not lesbians, then these poor men wouldn’t have had to (pick three) stray, screw around, cheat, have oral sex in the congressional office/Oval Office, have sex on the Capitol steps. Hey–it’s lonely at the top. And crowded under the desk.

Take these genuine American heroes who got into trouble for no good reason: Bill sent Flowers, Gary lost his Hart to a dish of Rice, Wayne made Hay with his Ray, Bill (again) had his Jones exposed, Wilbur landed flat on his Fanny, Charles got Robbed and Tai’d up, Teddy took a dive for Mary Jo, and now poor Bill (again) is being unfairly accused of intern-al affairs. It’s a damn shame, I tell you.

To help President Bill, last week journalists reasoned that Hillary must be happy her hubby is in trouble because she needs the work, and anyway, Monica Lewinsky is no innocent because she grew up in 90210-land, and if you watch the show you know that kids in that area code are very early wise in the ways of sex. Besides, girls get their periods earlier nowadays–meaning (I think) that girls, like dogs, must begin having sex within seconds of that momentous occasion. No-good rotten roundheels.

Luckily for our great country, most of these helpless national leaders have had wives at least smart enough to recognize their own shortcomings at the wifely arts. We know this because most of these wives have stood firmly behind their men. Even Kathy Bleiler (Mrs. Andy Bleiler, to you) stood by her man when the drama teacher came forward (at a press conference, yet!) to tell the world of his affair with ”Los Angeles Lolita” Lewinsky. And the fate of the nation wasn’t even at stake. Is that a great woman or what?

Not, however, as great as Hillary Clinton is for standing by her man–on more than two occasions–when he has been unfairly accused of screwing around. The first lady does have a few problems, however. First, she doesn’t look like her dead mother-in-law, Virginia. Every other seductress who’s ever won Bill’s heart and, er, mind, is nearly a photocopy of Virginia, with long, dark hair (Gennifer Flowers was a brunette when she and Bill met), curves, and clingy clothes.

According to Dick Morris, Hillary probably doesn’t appreciate sex with a handsome dude like Bill. Of course, this handsomeness may be short-lived. Alarmingly, his nose seems to be growing larger every day. Now, now, don’t start with that. I’m here to report that his nose has not grown to this frightening size because he’s lying. His name is Bill Clinton, not Billnocchio.We knew he wasn’t a liar when we elected him. He said he didn’t inhale, and he said he didn’t sleep with Gennifer Flowers (who was at that time merely naked in Penthouse).

So let’s all pray together, now, that the horrid lies made up by the newest harlots Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones are also proved false. And even if the tramps are telling the truth, who cares? After all, it’s only the obstruction of justice issue that’s a problem legally. William Jefferson Clinton is too upstanding a lawyer to have suggested to his pal Vernon Jordan that he advise Monica to lie. No lawyer in his right mind would ask someone to do something worse–commit perjury–than the original charge (shtupping). As of now, lying under oath is illegal and shtupping is not.

But hey–no matter how it shakes out, Hillary can’t throw the bum out. That particular move requires an act of Congress.