Compromising Positions


Fact: I am the only woman in history–aside from Mother Teresa and Janet Reno–who’s met the president and not been groped. Why then, do I still feel like I’ve been screwed nine ways till next Christmas?

I mean, I didn’t want to get groped, but not getting groped is kind of embarrassing at this stage too.

I’ll bet I’m not the only woman feeling screwed without getting screwed, though. Take Hillary. When she made her devil’s pact way back, she never counted on the necktie. She may have counted on open marriage and one-nighters. She counted on floozies and groupies and star-struck actresses. But she never counted on the tie. The tie, or, more specifically, the wearing of the tie on the day his girlfriend testified, was not only a big “screw you” to us, it was a bigger “screw you” to Hillary.

President Bill knew that Monica wouldn’t see him wearing that tie until aftershe was done testifying. The pundits and conspiracy-theory nuts missed the point when they assumed he wore it to obstruct justice. If he wanted to scare, er, the pants off Monica, he would have worn the tie the day before she testified. But no. Every woman who’s ever been married to a cheater knows what Bill was doing that day. He was signaling his girl that, yes, she was still in his heart. Oy.

Maybe it was a PR setup, but the First Wife made a point of showing she wasn’t standing by him this time–not until they went sailing together on Walter Cronkite’s boat, that is. Then she stood by him. I would have, too. Cronkite is known by locals to be the worst sailor in the world. One little push… unfortunately that’s her only option at this point. Throwing the bum out requires an act of Congress!

For her public humiliation, Hillary gets a reward. Her approval ratings are up for the first time in years. Being treated like dog meat is doing for her public image what all the phony cookie baking couldn’t. It’s made her a good woman in the eyes of America.

Not so for bad girl Monica. The president screwed her literally, figuratively, and cosmically. Her life is wrecked, she’s being blamed by the entire Muslim world for the bombings, and nowthat we hear about the cigar, she’s probably suffering from sidestream nicotine poisoning. And he said he was antitobacco! Of course, if she performed her cigar act with a Cuban stogie, Starr will probably go after Clinton for violating the Trading With the Enemies Act.

Meanwhile she’s labeled a cheap trick who’s wrecked the country. Like a 21-year-old intern could just walk into the president’s office and seduce him. If she did–uninvited–then White House and indeed United States security is worse than anyone ever imagined. Hey–wake up! He picked her.

The worst screwing, however, is the one he gave his own kid. While the whole world was watching because of the Paula Jones mess, he was screwing another kid (Monica) right in his own house. And I don’t think Hillary will forgive him for putting her daughter through hell.

Meantime, Big Bill is the only one who manages to get screwed without getting screwed. He’s said to have a dream job waiting for him at Dreamworks when he gets out. Hopefully, no other sex scandals will erupt until then and he won’t be forced into bombing terrorist-held hot dog stands in Beirut or something.

He’s a natural. He’s already proved his genius at producing big-budget shoot-’em-ups. The one he concocted the second time Monica testified (including the bombings of suspected candy / aspirin / nerve gas factories) cost us $75 million. It came in under budget.

Supposedly Clinton will be named CEO of Dreamworks. Can you hear the starlets now: “Is that a rocket in your pocket, Mr. President, or are you just happy to see me?”