Blind Alley


Which dapper CEO of a new-media design shop called one of his female producers a “pussy” to her face in public? Which sexed-up Web editor, now pitching a TV show based on his own life (in script development in L.A.), first revealed his roaring self-confidence in a high school yearbook photo featuring him in Vuarnets, lounging in the sails of a Caribbean sailboat, with the lone quote: “‘Life’s been good to me so far’—The Eagles”? Which digeratus has made the health of his penis his most recent conversational gambit with both men and women? Which tony tech-publishing cynosure, recently adopted by a New York parent, bought the domain name

Which interface theorist gets his facials at Bliss? What Brooklyn-based online pundit has such a virtual social life that he puts on a tie to eat alone? Which leapfrogging new-media executive, once a reporter in Iraq, has a “thing” for snakes? What boutique design studio has hacked into the Internet Archives and, using its own much ballyhooed applet, is on the verge of creating a map of all human traffic online (and doesn’t even know it)? Which ambitious 21st-century philosophe consented to coverage of his “approach” from USA Today only if the paper promised to run the article “above the fold”? The creative director of what feminist e-zine was once asked to join Hole and turned the band down?

Which nappy-haired designer for what online mag shagged a pouty Hollywood doll known for her horizontal acting and even picked her up from the hospital after she had a domestic dispute with a costar? What straitlaced D.C.-based policy wonk is also a committed innernaut and Burning Man acolyte? Which creative vet at a giant design outfit spent time as a member of the est-like Forum, empowering himself and his company’s roll-up strategy? What homegrown million-dollar content project—a book, television show, and game partly underwritten by Microsoft—has vanished without a trace, even while its radio broadcast continues on NPR? Which monster publishing company recently segregated its old employees from the new hires, shuttling longtime staffers away from the windows and into cube farms?

What married, male new-media journalist has the particularly… er… suggestive literary tic (observed by colleagues) of noting every gay man’s sexual orientation multiple times? Which Alley heavyweight owns a poodle whose fur bears more than a passing resemblance to the master’s hairdo? Which poison pen, now rumored to be dating NPR’s This American Life host, wrote (as foreplay?) two different puff pieces on her slampiece-to-be in the pages of the West Coast magazine she edits? Which Alley firm just got a sweet deal worth $2 million from the mayor to stay put in the city?

In desperation to stay afloat, which gi-normous “feminist” Web venture is now taking money from Kuwaiti investors? Which hyperactive pundit of the new economy is desperately trying to unload his high-profile investment in a finance-news company on the runway for an IPO? Which design firm CEO sat the entire company down, early on, and revealed the specifics of his salary, Japanese style? (Life’s obviously been good to him so far.) Which spades ‘n’ sewing content site, which first placed its advertisements on Yahoo! searches for “blowjob,” is preparing for a total meltdown? (Where are the Kuwaitis when you need them?) Which CEO of what online entertainment company smoked DMT with what new-media author, led by which moonlighting shaman, who works for what top interactive ad agency?

Faced with the specter of layoffs (or transfer to humming Wayne, Pennsylvania), the engineers at which soon-to-be-merged megalith received checks for $25,000 to stay until they get officially downsized in February? Which CEO of what design outfit fired an employee and then invited the shucked staffer over to his place for bong hits? (Dapper, indeed.) Which Alley writer (male) has a “thing” for Hasidic men? Which perfectly coiffed content executive is rumored to have the biggest love-cable in the industry? (Alas, it’s a dedicated line.)

Which new-media-and-music mogul played bass in a punk band called Dung Beetle and now occasionally takes a Lincoln Town Car to work and occasionally lunches at Balthazar? Which new-media company, coming off a boffo IPO last year, just released a merchandising chotchke CD featuring the tactlessly chosen song “Pay, Pay, Pay”? Which $120,000-a-year CEO (the one with the reefer habit) packet-switches girlfriends—read: female employees—with surprising regularity? After his firm expanded to larger offices with two bathrooms, which founder of a consulting agency forbade employees from defecating in the bathroom near his office, reserving that particular privilege for himself?

Which multimillion-dollar deal maker’s now-partners were running around in October saying they’d never, ever invest with her because she’s too flaky? Which one of a growing list of disgruntled former clients is on the verge of suing his new-media publicist for fraud? What editor at a print-and-pixel rag learned of his/her “lateral” move in the company not from the editor in chief or any staffer, but from a random reader who spotted the change in the masthead? Which hostess with the mostest dated what martial arts maven and milked a cartoon Web soap out of it?

Which yogic guru (who inverts her crows with Madonna) once liaisoned with a celebrity Web diarist who then wrote about it for time immemorial on his home page? Which techno-pundit turned his private listserv into a direct mail advertisement for his new book? Which journalist, famed for reporting on a world-renowned ISP, is dating the female CEO content provider for the same service? A back-end technologist at which geographically expansionist firm quit in an argument over the company’s highly inflated traffic numbers?

Which cocksure design firm fired the company’s head of human resources for his medical condition (narcolepsy)? During a top-level meeting at which multimillion-dollar black hole—part of a huge magazine monolith—did one manager suggest that if outside contractors charged too much for their services, she would start “jewing them down a little”? What executive accrues cell phone bills upwards of $15,000 a month? What “strategist” at which McDesign franchise is spending millions advertising his book about the profound influence of aliens on the history of human culture? What design genius moved out of his apartment rather than clean it? What Alley firm fudged its stock option clauses to guarantee that the employees’ options couldn’t be exercised? Now that I think about it, what’s so bad about Wayne, Pennsylvania? And can somebody please tell me when is going to launch?