I don’t like to brag, but I’m quite a gifted psychic. Really. And I’m not talking cheesy tabloid predictions, either. You won’t find me predicting that an earthquake will sink California, or that President Clinton will marry Budd, or even that Burt Reynolds will run off with Starr Jones. See, unlike tabloid psychics who (like weather forecasters) are never held accountable for their predictions, I stand by mine.
If I’m wrong I will punish myself in the worst way possible. I will become an intern at the White House. Here, then, my predictions for ’99 and into the next millennium.
1. Liddy Dole Becomes President Only To Be Impeached in a Sex Scandal. No, it’s not that she gropes staffers while solving world problems, it’s that First Man and Viagra spokesman Bob Dole becomes such a pop-up pill junkie that he thinks he’s the president, and gropes everyone, including his own wife— an unheard-of move in the White House.
2. Betsy McCaughey Ross Marries Johnny Tree. Hey, her last campaign-marriage taught her that it’s better to marry a professional campaign contributor than one who needs coaxing. She is a genius.
3. Yogi and George Have Another Fight. It’s déjà vu all over again, and in the words of a great man, “It ain’t over ’til it’s over.” This time Yogi’s mad that George won’t fire someone— the mayor.
4. Rudy Giuliani Runs for Everything on a Platform of Stopping Everyone From Doing Anything. The mayor, who will be saved from third-termitis (wherein voters who loved you yesterday turn on you today) by term limits, will run for governor, president, and senator all at the same time. He will stand on his accomplishments: lower crime (except among police) and crushing the little guy (cabbies, artists, and protesters). After his success with jaywalkers, he will promise to prosecute anyone found even standing still.
5. Bill Clinton Dies in Office. Not of embarrassment, but of old age. It proves tougher to get him to leave the White House than it was to remove Nancy Reagan. The police try fire hoses, and even shooting him with tranquilizer darts from the street— nothing works. Eventually, we’re forced to move the capitol to Baghdad, because it’s easier to oust Saddam.
6. Hillary Runs Unsuccessfully for Senator. In New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, Hawaii, Georgia, Iowa, West Virginia, and any other state she can think of that she’s not from.
7. Greyhound Strike. No, not the bus
drivers, the dogs. The racing dogs are really ticked (no pun intended) because they are the only professional athletes who haven’t gone
on strike. The strike ends in a lockout at the
kennel, and the dogs are replaced by scabs—
professional basketball players. The NBA-ers need the extra money now that they’re stuck with $14 milliona-year salary caps.
8. Cher Marries Mary. It’s the only thing that stops the widows Bono from talking incessantly and publicly about the men— and the lack thereof— in their lives.
9. Prince Edward Marries Sophie Rhys-Jones or Mandy Rice Davies or Donna Rice or Whoever She Is— proving once and for all that he is not, despite rumors and tabloid gossip, the man who would be queen.
10. Ron Perelman Gets Married. The world’s most competitive man refuses to let anyone beat him at anything, and therefore marries 136 more times in an attempt to best all marriage junkies, up to and including Mickey Rooney and Elizabeth Taylor. Fortunately, he can afford it. But not forever. Because he has married every single woman in New York, he is forced to marry Patricia “I marry well for a living” Duff again. Their second divorce ends in an ugly battle for custody of their 67-year-old daughter from their first marriage. The New York Post pleads for dignity.