Bring Him Back Alive


The guy working the door of Docker’s had the puss of a cop. Stone faced, an average build, hiding his eyes behind metal-framed sunglasses. When he told Kelly that she couldn’t hand out her invites inside the pier-side happy hour spot, he had the same stark, serious tone as when one of Dunkin’ Donuts’ best customers asks, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

But this wasn’t a situation the tall and shapely Kelly could talk her way out of. In the club ‘n’ bar industry, it’s a known practice for a promoter of one spot to hand out discounted passes right inside another. Only Kelly wasn’t soliciting for a club. Her goal was to steer a bunch of good-looking guys to a private party at a friend’s share house, just a short distance down Dune Road.

After all, the situation was dire: The Saturday afternoon sun hadn’t even set yet and already, well-coifed, scantily dressed women outnumbered the men at the three-story beachfront house. So to better the girls’ odds, head social honcho Kelly had taken a handful of invites and headed down Dune Road in her platform sandals. And she continued her duty even after the invites were confiscated. Drink in hand, she began by turning to a nearby stud and making a direct and simple pitch: “We’re having a party right now. Free drinks and lots of women.” What more did he need to hear?

She snagged another who approached her first with the insightful line, “You have a small ass and big tits.” (The small ass part, she later explained, was a compliment). Not just anybody received the heartwarming invitation, though. Her ex, who had managed to work his way through the crowd and into her path, was promptly snubbed. And despite all the yes-men and vodka-influenced flattery, it was hard to say who would actually show up. No one had so much as written down the address on a cocktail napkin (although many recited it back).

After sunset, Kelly reclaimed her invites from the doorman and walked back down Dune Road. Since she’d gone hunting, odds at the house had evened out— tremendously.

DOCKER’S 94 Dune Rd, East Quogue 516-653-0653.