There he is, standing waist-deep in the surf, muscles rippling. Somehow, even as the wind whips at ocean’s edge, his hair is perfect. As the waves crash, he turns toward you and smiles, his teeth glistening. He approaches you on the sand, the sea water dripping from his board shorts, his gaze hypnotic. “Tonight?” he asks. “Now,” you reply. Then he says he’ll have to make sure his mother doesn’t need a ride to the mall just yet.
This week we hear from those of you who got next to that perfect specimen, kind of how Chevy Chase got to swim with Christie Brinkley in the first Vacation movie. Mostly, things weren’t perfect:
Melanie, 29, Quogue I met him at this club in the Hamptons. Guido all the way. Tight, feel-y shirt, black Armani pants huggin’ the ass. You could tell from the shirt, he was ripped. We caught eyes. We start dancing. He gets some Ecstasy from his friends. He’s like, “Can I take my shirt off?” At this point, what the fuck. I’m wasted. Major six-pack! Cock diesel! I’m like, I found myself a winner. We close the place. It’s five in the morning. We go to the hot tub in my share house. He can’t find it. He can’t get into the bun. I have to fuckin’ help him. But I was so horny, I didn’t give a shit. At one point, I had to masturbate myself. He can’t find the donut hole. He’s going around. He’s circling. I ask him, “Do you have a condom?” He’s like, “No, but it’s all right.” He didn’t want to do it after all. Pussy on a platter, you don’t want it? Then we went downstairs to my room. I gave him a blow job. And I’m blowing him good. He doesn’t go down on me. Nothing! I’m like, “Wait!” At 10:30 the next morning, he’s still fucking sleeping. I can’t get him out of the bed. Finally, he gets up and he’s like, “I’m starving.” He’s a pig. He eats half a waffle, inhales two bagels, lickin’ his fingers, food coming out of his mouth.
Shirley, 31, Mineola I’m in San Francisco and I just moved there. I get on this team of people who are doing HIV education in clubs. They’re called Safer Sex Slut Team. We did live sex acts and demonstrations of safe sex. One woman in this group was named Dawn. She was so beautiful and we hit it off. She was an exotic dancer. I fell hard. Two weeks later she dumped me. One night, I went out to this club and I’m standing there talking to a friend and this friend asks if I’ve seen her. I say no. I’m facing into the crowd that surges toward me in a wave. I turn around. Dawn is up on this catwalk in full body paint, flames, just about nude, just giving it away. When people see a beautiful person on a catwalk, part of what they’re doing is imagining what it would be like to have that person. But if you’re the one person in the room who just got dumped by that person, you know what it’s like to have that person, but you’re not allowed to dream it. It was months before I got over that.
Tim, 18, South Shore I went on vacation with my family. I met this girl. She was sleeping in this same trailer home we were staying in. She was about 5-8, dirty blonde hair, brown eyes, medium hair, about a D cup. I thought she was hot. She had a nice ass. First we started talking. So, I was talking about this girl Danielle who used to jerk me off and whatever. And she was like, “Oh really? When my parents go to sleep I’ll do it for you if you want.” So I’m like, “Oh, OK.” We waited for five, 10 minutes. She was like, “I think they’re asleep now.” We’re sitting on the couch and she just went down my pants and started doing that. I started making out with her. After I climaxed, we stopped. Then we started talking and we went and got a drink. Then we went to sleep. The next morning things were totally cool. It was only three hours that I’d known her, then we went to sleep.
Mary, 19, West Hempstead He said to me, “I want your body.” I’m like, “You’re a liar, why would you? Because it’s nothing worth wanting.” He looked like Q-Tip and I had the biggest crush on him for the longest time. I don’t know, he was just beautiful. I’m usually into tall geeky guys and he was short, dark-skinned and Asian-looking. He had a shaved head. I thought he was adorable. And then, all of a sudden he liked me and I thought I was really going to get into it but he started beeping me all the time, “I miss you” and stuff. The fact that he wanted me back so bad just turned me off completely. On our first date we went to a dinner, to the movies and to a tattoo parlor to hang out. One of the other things that really turned me off was that he wanted to pay for me, which I’m totally not into. I really hate when guys pay for me. When he drove me home after the movies, it was nice because he grabbed the back of my head when he was kissing me. And it just felt nice. I don’t know. But then we went to the drive-in one night with two of my friends and things got a little out of hand. Stuff. Nothing too crazy, but more happened than I thought was going to happen. Then he wanted to hang out with me more. I’m like,”Mmmm no, I don’t miss you. I’m sorry.” Then I was supposed to meet him at the movies one night and I never did. And I never called him after that.
Marissa, 20, Manhasset In a small school, everyone’s talking about who’s the stud on campus. He had the spiked hair, very Abercrombie look. You know, that tall deal. Just dressed really nice, button-downs and khakis, never wore jeans. I wasn’t into him at all, because I thought he was so conceited when I first met him. He said something to my friends that he was interested in me. Then I just kind of became friends with him and ended up dating him for seven months, but it was very much an image thing. At the same time I loved it. Once I got to know him, he’s actually a sensitive sweet guy, which is very surprising, because he’s very hot. It was like an ’80s movie or something, like the couple who walks around all decked out and dressed up and very social thing. But it was fun, so much fun, I had the best time.
I took things pretty slow and a lot girls were like, “Oh I would have hopped on him because of his looks and everything.” But I’ve hooked up with other guys who were a lot more smooth. He threw out a couple of lame lines. You know, it wasn’t like a romantic movie scene or anything. He’s shy and doesn’t even know how to take control. Like typical things, taking off a girl’s bra. He fumbled around for like 15 minutes. I told my friends and they were all so shocked. They expect him to be a really great hookup.