The Show That Never Ends


Hamptons regulars swarmed all over LIFE @ THE TAVERN with their pin-straight hair, black capris and wanna-be-model pursed lips. Though some of them had had years of practice doing the scene, they weren’t fooling every newcomer with their trendy halter tops.

“Too many girls wearing no clothes and looking so hot,” said Scott, a 24-year-old from Island Park, who’d never set foot in a Hamptons’ nightclub before, much less a snobby Southampton one. After forking over his $15 admission charge, he observed that “everybody looks so good, you’d think they want to hook up. But they just want to look good.” With three hours of ear-ringing house music and flyby girly cliques, a comparison came to mind. He says they reminded him of the sorority girls at his alma mater SUNY Binghamton— the ones who sported hot pants just to eat pizza in the dining hall.

So much for $6 drinks loosening everybody up. Scott said that a friend had even suggested he bring condoms on his trip. Though he didn’t seem likely to need one tonight, maybe he could have sold them to Allen.

Now on his second road-trip down from Massachusetts this summer, Allen thought he had it all figured out: “Women tell a guy a lot by the way they dance.” He watched one woman who moved like she had a jackhammer in her panties.

“A woman who doesn’t move her pelvis, you don’t take home,” he said. “A woman who doesn’t open her mouth, you don’t take her home either.” Allen’s degree in philosophy was finally coming in handy.

So, with a sea of slinky dressers around him, he moved in on the only woman who wore both a smile and a cardigan. And, had he bought that condom from Scott, maybe he could have gotten a refund, ’cause she shot him down.

Life @ The Tavern 125 Tuckahoe Ln, Southampton, 516-287-2125.