Dishing all the dirt


What does the pig in you really desire for the dirtiest dessert? Does it involve a third party? A fourth party? A farm animal? Don’t strain too hard, because the folks I spoke to this week have provided an unofficial menu. All you need to do is select an appetizer, a main dish and, of course, the most dessert you can handle.

Mindy, 39, Queens How bad can I be? Only as bad as the company I’m keeping. I was once with my boyfriend and he said it would really turn him on to see me give head to a total stranger. We kind of fed off each other’s fetishes. It’s the whole idea of doing something and almost getting caught. He stood in the corner of this bar and told a guy he could have a blowjob from me for $20, but he would have to watch. So I gave this guy a blowjob in a car, while my boyfriend stood outside and nonchalantly watched. It lasted all of two minutes. This had to be 15 years ago. I thought it was funny at first. Then, I was like, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” I started to cry. I think we fought afterward. I think we were really fucked up because I don’t think I could do that straight. Then again, you never know.

There was another time, I was with the same guy as a matter of fact. We were in a dance club. We went downstairs into the manager’s office and it was open. We started fooling around. We had sex on the floor. All of a sudden, the manager walks in. He stood there while we got dressed and said he’s going to call the cops on us. We were freaking because we were naked. We ran out real quick, and I ended up leaving my leather jacket there. I didn’t ever go back to get it.

Charlie, 23, Oceanside I worked at this club. This girl came up to me. I was like, “I’ll give you a couple of shots if you let me grab your ass.” Afterward, I took her in the back and she gave me a blowjob. She went down right to her knees. I was like, “Can we have sex?” She went to go doggie style and my boss walked in. He just started laughing. Then he closed the door because he was all right with it. It wasn’t the first time I took a girl back there. It was when I first started working there. My first week of work I had all these girls coming up to me. I had one girl giving me hickeys on my neck. I wasn’t expecting girls I had just met to just go in the back.

Melanie, 21, Queens My ex-boyfriend had made me pick him up at the airport in just a coat. It was short. I was driving. He was always asking me to do weird things, so I was like, “OK, whatever.” He made me come out of the car and help him put his bag in the car. That was embarrassing. We got back in the car and he was laughing at me the whole way home. We had sex when we got home.

Stephanie, 20, Bethpage My boyfriend and I did it on top of the hood of his car. His whole family was in the backyard, which was 10 feet away from the car. I had a skirt on. His little brother ran by with a basketball. We just stopped. We went back into the yard. His parents were asking what we were doing over there for so long. I said, “Oh, I had a cramp in my neck. He was rubbing it out.”

The day before, his father had caught us as he was walking down the stairs. My boyfriend jumped up and told him to stop. I threw on his clothes and he put on mine. He had on my little purple half-top shirt and my tight jeans. He couldn’t even button them. We changed clothes after his father left. Later, his father said, “You weren’t wearing that before.” I didn’t go over there for a long time after that.

Mike, 22, Staten Island Over the summer, me and three friends went to Vegas. One of my friends lives out there and he hooked us up with these two girls. They weren’t really very attractive. We were very drunk. It just started out with massages. We took our shirts off. It was only fair for them to take theirs off, too. Soon after, one girl is blowing my friend and I’m fingering her at the same time. There were double beds. Two guys and one girl in one bed and two guys and one girl were in the other bed. This went on for eight hours. Then we told them to get out. They were crying. One of the girls stole one of my friends’ underwear. I think she really liked him.

Lisa, 29, South Shore I was 21 and had never played with myself. I met this guy who was a conductor on the subway. He was in his 40s, but looked about 25, divorced. We went out one afternoon and ended up back at this apartment. I was expecting straight sex. But turns out he was an alcoholic and couldn’t get it up. Anyhow, I didn’t know that at the time.

So he lays me on the bed, gets me excited, then pulls out two dildoes. One big one. One little one. I had never seen one before and it was daylight and the shades were up. It wasn’t like I could pretend not to know what was going on. I’m laying on the bed, with just my bush exposed and he’s got me spread-eagle going to town on the clit with the big one. I could see every expression on his face and everything. God, did I feel self-conscious. But I came anyway.

Ralph, 33, Far Rockaway My friend went into a porno movie on 42nd Street. He started watching the movie. Some guy came in and sat down next to him. He told him, “Don’t say anything.” Then, he reached down to my friend’s pants and lowered his zipper. Then gave him head. My friend said it was the best head he ever got. He was engaged at that time. Now he’s married.

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