Music

Germ Warfare

by

Frank Gortman

Age 38

Resides Bronx

Occupation Store detective

Are you afraid of germs? No. I was in the army and around all kinds of chemicals. Donald Trump is exhibiting obsessive-compulsive behavior and it will affect the way voters see him. Trump will get Michael Jackson’s vote and and those of everyone else who lives in a chamber.

Do you do anything special to keep yourself or your house clean? No, I just maintain normal hygiene.

Whose hand wouldn’t you shake for ideological reasons? Joey Buttafuoco, because he’s a scumbag. He hurt two people, including the wife who stood by him. I have a daughter, and he’d be shaking hands underground if he touched her.


Nina Santamaria

Age 20

Resides Brooklyn

Occupation Security

Are you afraid of germs? No more than most people.

Do you do anything special to keep yourself or your house clean? I brush my teeth and wash my hands as often as I can. I come from a big family, so everything in the house gets used before it can go bad or fill with bacteria. “Waste not, want not” takes care of a lot of things.

Whose hand wouldn’t you shake for ideological reasons? Monica Lewinsky, because she didn’t wash that dress.


Steven Bartoo

Age over 31

Resides Brooklyn

Occupation Support-services manager

Are you afraid of germs? I have a fear of people breathing on me and of being crowded on the F train.

Do you do anything special to keep yourself or your house clean?
In my home, if I open a can of spaghetti sauce, I have to eat the whole thing. I refrigerate the catsup because the crust that forms on the lip of the bottle will kill you. I’m also an obsessive tooth-brusher because I had all my teeth replaced. I have a Lexus in my mouth.

Whose hand wouldn’t you shake for ideological reasons? Courtney Love.


Ahmad Arfaj

Age 28

Resides Long Island

Occupation Graduate student

Are you afraid of germs? If someone was touching his nose, I wouldn’t shake his hand. I’m also aware of forks, knives, glasses, and certain smells.

Do you do anything special to keep yourself or your house clean? My wife is very concerned about cleanliness. She will be in the middle of eating dinner and feel she has to lean down and pick some little thing off the floor.

Whose hand wouldn’t you shake for ideological reasons? I wouldn’t shake the hand of the Serbian president, Milosevic.


Vince Butler

Age 63

Resides New Jersey

Occupation Retired art teacher

Are you afraid of germs? I’m not paranoid about it, because I can always wash.

Do you do anything special to keep yourself or your house clean? In my kitchen I use a germicide cleanser. Other than that, I say come what may. I visited a person who regularly used so many cleaning products that all the plants wilted from the fumes. They drooped, then I drooped and left.

Whose hand wouldn’t you shake for ideological reasons? Before saner heads took over in South Africa, I wouldn’t have shaken the hand of De Klerk.


George Pehrson

Age 32

Resides Queens

Occupation Salesperson at Strand Books

Are you afraid of germs? Not really, but sometimes I have a weird thing about doorknobs and use a paper towel when opening the door.

Do you do anything special to keep yourself or your house clean? I wash my hands after I ride the subway.

Whose hand wouldn’t you shake for ideological reasons? Ronald Reagan. I came of age politically in the ’80s, and I was really appalled by his politics. I don’t think he mentioned AIDS until 1987 or ’88.


Sean Khorsandi

Age 18

Resides Manhattan

Occupation Student

Are you afraid of germs? If I were, I wouldn’t live in the city. I’ve got Purell at my desk and in my home.

Do you do anything special to keep yourself or your house clean? I’m the only one in my house who cleans. I use antibacterial cleaner, Ajax in the orange container.

Whose hand wouldn’t you shake for ideological reasons? The animal-rights woman who shouts at people on Astor Place.

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