Jonesing for some blind items? Goodie gumdrops, because I happen to have some, and they’re really filthy this time. Do I hear cries of outrage? Well, anyone who’s appalled because these tidbits are too identifiable should go back to reading the publications they give out so generously on airplanes or in doctors’ waiting rooms. And those who are offended because the items don’t ID the culprits readily enough will have to wait until next week when I vociferously name names again. Everyone else, take off your gardening gloves and enjoy the dirt.
What late legend had, at different times, a girlfriend with inverted nipples, another one with a prosthetic finger, and a wife whose plucked eyebrows stubbornly refused to grow back? (He himself would joke, “I always seem to have women with parts missing.”) What TV teen idol sports so much friggin’ gel in his hair because he’s way prematurely thinning, like, OK? What faded actress, still enraged by her years-ago breakup with that writer, runs around telling people he’s gay, as if that were the worst smear you could imagine (and as if it were true)? What extremely popular singer—who slept with a guy who worked at Genre magazine—is a bottom and quite fabulous at it? What openly gay actor is also amazing in the sack—worth paying for, in fact?
What multimedia star’s doctor won’t do any more lipo on her because she’s had so much that her body’s starting to develop its own fat lumps in response and she’s beginning to look like a designer- dressed octopus? What closeted movie actor sucked off a friend of a friend of mine at a gym steam room, the suckee not realizing until afterward that he’d been done by an acclaimed icon? What same star had a thing with his most recent director, and liked to do it really rough, by the way?
What actor-lothario got it on with that popular baseball player’s wife, prompting loud cries of “foul play”? What older actress in that sitcom loathed one of her costars so much that she’d make a caca in the costar’s private bathroom and leave that gift there, unflushed, for the woman to discover when she arrived on the set? What boy-group star is going out with a member of another such ensemble? (I seriously want an answer; all I know is one team player’s doing another, but I don’t know which of each.) What boy-group star, before adopting the requisite macho, lova-ya-girl stance of such an esteemed personage, was practically a drag queen?
What model broke up with that closet queer, only to hook up with a whole other one? What Oscar-
nominated actress said of that Oscar-nominated actor she lived with, “I didn’t know about bisexuality until I met him”? What sometimes half-naked personality who hired a hunky porn actor for wrestling fun started rassling the guy on the grass and trying to stick his tongue down his throat, only to have the jock interrupt the tonsil hockey match and announce, “We will be wrestling inside—and we will only be wrestling”? What superstar will next be seen as a sexist pig who drops trou to reveal an apparently fake dingaling in his shorts and who spouts the elegant personal motto “Respect the cock and tame the cunt!”?
What actor who was set to play himself in an upcoming project brought an adult-film star with him on the set and insisted the guy get a role? Guess who didn’t get a role? What almost-middle-aged
almost-leading man blithely told virtual strangers on location that Martin Scorsese‘s Bringing Out the Dead was absolutely awful? Why did no one disagree with him? What TV host should appear on her own show as the world’s lousiest tipper? What member of a
famous acting clan and that failed fatale don’t cook at all onscreen? (In fact, they exhibit so little sexual chemistry in that upcoming movie that an actor had to breathily dub the guy’s voice in the bedroom scenes to instill a hint of passion into them.) What ’80s rocker is the world’s most emphatic carpet muncher and is starting to deny it less and less?
What spastic comedy geek is a big old queen? What famous guy who was caught by surprise was with a big old queen at the time? What undeniably hot lead singer is as small of penis as he is minuscule of charm when he gets plastered? What popular local drag queen exchanged saliva years ago with that now “straight” movie-star-turned-TV-star-turned-movie-star-turned-TV star? What bi auteur is fondly remembered from his Mudd Club days, when he was the world’s grungiest black-beauty dealer? What
female model who’s dating that male model should be concerned that he got another babe’s number at a party last week? (I should know—the woman borrowed my pen to jot it down for him.)
What Time Warner big shot, attending a panel discussion at which I espoused outing, had a revelation by the end and said, “Maybe we should do outing!”? (Free answer: Time Inc. editorial director Henry Muller.) What troubled magazine will be streamlining its cover so there won’t be so very many images cluttering it up? (Talk.) What new club wins the dubious award for most fucking invitations ever sent to one residence? (Exit—to my residence.) Who proved that they are indeed not the same person when meeting recently? (Helen Gurley Brown and Dame Edna Everage.) What did Jane magazine mean by saying, “Chris ‘Mango’ Kattan is not in the closet,” next to a picture of the Saturday Night Live comic feyly positioned by his wardrobe in a quick-change room? Who was miffed when rudely denied a reserved seat at an Antonioni event at MOMA the other week? (Sex and the City‘s Chris Noth, who must not have felt like Mr. Big after all.)
What three bloopers happened the night I saw the Sondheim “review” Putting It Together? (My idol Carol Burnett tripped up on her lightning-paced “Not Getting Married Today” lyrics, George Hearn missed a musical cue, and Bronson Pinchot heard a buzzing noise, stopped his song, and made a fart joke—but at least those spontaneous moments brought some realness to the impossibly contrived show.)
And now for a sexuality-guessing bonus: Who are gaydar sirens ringing about so loudly, it’s practically like the sound of screaming queens? In other words, what stars are very close friends of Dorothy, if mass gay intuition can be trusted? A whole shitload of folks, actually, but let’s narrow them down to a more manageable sisterhood, shall we? Well, there’s that guy who plays a gay, but says he isn’t one; a male costar of his; a long-ago Oscar winner; that teen heartthrob who was the subject of one of the above items; that Hispanic boxer; a former teen heartthrob; the ex?series star who’s just resurfaced; that tattletale author; a famous Mormon; that country megastar; three former TV child actors; a married Broadway lead; and that cheesy screen villain. Got that?
And now, should I end this column like Saturday Night Fever, which, after a priest’s self-defrocking, a gang rape, a suicide, and a fixed contest, trots out a peppy reprise of the high-stepping disco score for a jaunty clapalong? Maybe not.