Lest you scoff at the credibility of my blind items, let me remind you that bevies of them—from the ones involving a comic and various trannies to others about that actor and his closeted life of kink—have proven as irrefutable as Tinkerbell’s continuing existence among us. So scoff, gag, and pooh-pooh all you like, but do read on:
What playwright is such a romantic obsessive that, based on a photo he saw of a guy in a gay magazine ad, he got a grant and moved to the faraway city where the guy lived, succeeding in worming his way into his love object’s life until it all unraveled in an extremely unpleasant manner? What Off-Broadway play is changing so dramatically in its transition to the screen that the gay character may now be straight, to the fuming consternation of the poor playwright? What Oscar winner is a compulsive transsexual chaser, just like one of his mook-turned-actor best friends? What teen idol’s wife should probably be told he’s that way, and was openly running after other boys as recently as ’97? What showstopping cabaret-style singer doesn’t use condoms with his lover because they’re supposedly monogamous? (I guess they don’t count the thirds they keep picking up via sex hot lines.)
What enduring female comic is dating an eightysomething guy with an artificial leg? What actor with an artificial dick—well, you know, it’s enhanced by an implanted penile pump—is also sexually abetted by the frequent placing of hands and dildos up his rear? What young Broadway stud at least gets good reviews for his sizable (and very real) shlong? What sneaky actor used to be boyfriends with that faded male restaurant publicist? What same queen looked a male interviewer up and down like he was a slab of doable chicken, then launched right into his usual spiel about the girlfriend? What very fellow sits by the pool with his balls practically pouring out his bathing suit, coming on to cabana boys as if they were so many free hors d’oeuvres? What famed gay with a boyfriend tried to put the make on someone who’d innocently brought songs to his hotel room? What Oscar-winning superstar wears turtlenecks because her neck is all grizzled and she’s terrified to get that risky surgery done, even though she’s had similar work performed just about everywhere else?
What pop diva runs offstage between numbers at arena gigs to take a deep breath—of crack? What older, tantrum-throwing musical icon was told by one of her hairdressers, “Do not give me your shit, because you need me and I don’t need you”? (She actually behaved after that—so that’s what it takes to calm this creature down.) What same fabulous witch slashed the per diem of her touring band from 25 whole dollars down to 20 as a cost-cutting gesture, while racking up astronomical expenses in her presidential suite? What notorious tyrant is a closet gay whose ex-boyfriend has been awarded a very high government position (probably missionary)? What country star seems to have forgotten about his fake wife and is now just living the normal life with the boyfriend? What heartthrob was itching to come out when he played that gay character, but was talked out of it by business demons and has vehemently stayed in ever since?
What starlet said of her group cover shoot for a major magazine, “The photographer liked us in our underwear—that got her hot”? What British lady from an extremely famous family is supposedly a lesbian with a 20-year-old American girlfriend? What DJ is on so many Prozacs, Zolofts, ups, downs, and in-betweens that people around him are starting to wonder if he’ll remain standing? (Maybe they should take some Prozacs, Zolofts, etc.) What married politico meets his “very good friend” Sunday nights in a confidential suite of that Times Square hotel, where they watch The Sopranos, among other diverting pursuits?
What clubbie demanded that his girlfriend employ a wig and mayonnaise during sex acts? What Academy Awards host was once about to announce, “Richard Gere was going to present an award with Fievel the mouse, but Fievel backed out”—until he spotted Gere in the crowd and decided it would be inadvisable? (Free answer: Billy Crystal. Oscars writer Bruce Vilanch tells the story in his stage show.) What other amusingly tasteless crack did Crystal and Vilanch consider, but summarily reject? (It was colonoscopy-related: “Katie Couric had two favorite movies last year—Rear Window and The Whole Nine Yards.”)
What was the most embarrassing moment at a recent Broadway opening night party? (At The
Music Man bash, when star Craig Bierko walked in to wild applause the sound system weirdly pumped out the original Music Man cast album featuring Robert Preston! Perhaps this DJ could use Prozacs, Zolofts, etc.) What was the cutest opening night moment? (At Dirty Blonde‘s, I asked Claudia Shear—whose Mae is the True West—what diva she’ll do next, and she laughed, “Aretha Franklin.”) What’s been one of the biggest tragedies of the current AFTRA and SAG strike on commercial work? (My unionized ass was just offered a gigunda job, replete with extra inducements, and I had to turn it down for fear of being pegged a filthy, line-crossing strikebreaker! I make Erin Brockovich look easy.)
Who just screwed me big time? (Not many people, actually, but Brett Beasley—Jerry Falwell‘s mouthy second cousin—promised Poz magazine an exclusive with their cover story, which I wrote, about how he has HIV and is reaching out to Falwell on the subject. The mag flew him to New York, photographed him, took him to lunch, and reminded him about the exclusivity. But the itchy-fingered, self-promoting press demon just couldn’t resist calling the dish in to the Post first and even spilling all to a tabloid! How neg.)
What legend—and I’m talking big legend—is so desperate to play the Ann Miller role in the upcoming Roundabout production of Follies that she’s hounding Sondheim to give her the role? What actor had a choice between Arms and the Man and Copenhagen and, erroneously enough, chose Arms and the Man? What singer was so anxious to play the Brooklyn waitress in the upcoming Shaft movie that, after having done a poor audition, she made a home video of her performance and sent it to the director via one of her goons? (Alas, she got the shaft because the envelope with the video had no information written on it and just lay there languishing, though the powers-that-be finally did take notice when she called them, screaming, “Why the fuck haven’t you called about my tape?” She still didn’t get the part.) What movie will acclaimed director Kimberly Peirce follow up Boys Don’t Cry with? (She’d like to star Courtney Love as convicted serial killer Aileen Wuornos or perhaps as a fictional vigilante powerhouse who wields a double-barreled machine gun.) Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? (I am, George, I am.)