I’m about to serve you a steaming, filthy pile of down-and-dirty gossip, but I’ll leave the names out—not because I have some ethical objection to telling who did these sordid, disgusting and/or liberating things, mind you. Oh, no! I will make the items “blind” only to avoid a pile of steaming, filthy lawsuits that might put a damper on my ebullient social life. Fortunately, my rank cowardice ends up adding to your pleasure because blindies are so very much fun to chew on with friends, to guess the answers to during commercial breaks, and to taunt yourself with when you’ve misbehaved. You don’t think so? Well, neither does a certain hermaphroditic actress, but I will plow forward with this tantalizing heap of tawdry trash nonetheless, and I assure you that you will like it. And so:
What enduring Broadway diva is married, but very much a lesbian, thank you? What matinee idol bachelor whom the world pants for is supposedly an s/m top to run from (unless you like that sort of thing, of course)? What star of a recent Broadway revival is a devout member of a sect that believes all men are derived from aliens? What planet did he come from? What European actress did it with a passé Euro action star and tells people he’s hung from her elbow to her hand? (And, by the way, she has a really long arm.) What Hollywood blond enjoyed the same fabulous pipe, though she has to emphatically deny it or the hubby would gag, even though the shebang-bang happened before they were married?
What unctuous TV interviewer of indeterminate sexuality has been seen blind drunk in West Village gay bars? What hot, scruffy actor, who supposedly went out with America’s sweetheart, is gay and openly made out with a guy at a Paris fashion show? Who, when told by a fan that he’s her second favorite designer, snarled, “I hope your favorite isn’t Todd Oldham!”? Who was her favorite? (Free answer: herself.) What superstar doesn’t care for that other superstar because she’s patronizing and mean to people who work for her, big surprise? Which same (latter) diva, who’s beloved by gays, behaved quite abhorrently in a custody battle, saying that it was a bad influence on the kid that her hubby’s ex-wife hired lesbian baby-sitters? How dare she?
What star of a creepy independent movie from earlier this year suffers from premature ejaculation syndrome? Isn’t he kooky enough? What immensely popular director and what all-purpose hip-hopster unwittingly share a mistress—a distinctly average-looking woman who must be quite a marvel in the sack to nab these power players? What messy Oscar winner enthusiastically introduced her drag pal to friends, but got the name wrong, saying, “This is Drag Queena”? What director couldn’t finish postproduction on his latest film because of a breakdown most people attribute to the behavior of its cantankerous has-been star? What same star is more of a cantankerous has-been than ever now that said film tanked?
What esteemed actor, acclaimed in a theater hit, was once closerthanthis to that gay-porn luminary? What bright light backed out of a musical, not because of the personal reasons stated, but because she didn’t feel the material was ready? (When an investor pulled out, thereby eliminating the out-of-town tryout, she freaked, knowing that going straight to Broadway would be extremely ill-advised for the show.) What star of the upcoming Follies revival has been seen with a producer of the aforementioned musical, prompting murmurings along the Rialto that she might be the name who could make that show eventually happen? What beloved theater queen drinks a little too much at parties and becomes scarily hotheaded whenever he feels defensive, which is often?
What Brit icon’s marriage became extra soured years ago when she walked in on hubby with his penis at attention and obediently inserted into a naval officer’s anus? What generally superb actor—except in that movie where he played an outrageous drag queen—seemed determined to not even crack a smile during the opening night of The Rocky Horror Show, a much more successful property about an outrageous drag queen? What diva is going ahead with casting that TV movie about her life, and which of her former musical cohorts is reportedly pissed, as usual? What soap stud has gone born-again, to the unending chagrin of his predominantly gay cast and crew?
What alleged virgin is dating just the guy to keep her as such, though insiders are saying he actually swings both ways and one way does include her? What offbeat rock legend covers up his ding-a-ling when he urinates in a public bathroom, partly out of a sense of celebrity propriety, but mostly because it ain’t all that big? What one-named star supposedly has one ball, and I don’t mean Madonna? Remember when I broke the story that a daytime TV character would come out as a lesbian? (It all came true, mind you, or I wouldn’t be bragging about it.) Well, what actress was initially blamed for leaking the item—though she
didn’t—and insiders thought she did so because she’d made it clear she was not happy with the story line? And why the hell wasn’t she happy with it anyway? (Free answer: It wasn’t out of homophobia. It was because she was told by higher-ups that the plot would mirror the Cher/Chastity situation and she replied, “Yeah, but in this case, Chastity’s the much more interesting character.”)
What top-secret pilot have people at Fox been working on? (Free answer: a Talk Soup-type show focusing on public access cable programs. I’m fabulously afraid.) What relative of a club big shot went for a consultation on arm lipo, but the procedure was never carried through because the club big shot’s cash flow problems required more immediate medical attention? What slender beauty, when asked at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones‘s wedding if she’d ever like to do theater, screeched, “Fuck the theater!”? (She must prefer the camera because it adds 15 pounds.) What sexually ambiguous music sensation really leaves partners breathless (he dabbles in asphyxiation)? What publicity whore friend of his slept with the sensation’s then girlfriend two years ago? What famous sibling paid a stripper for sex, then urged her, “Don’t tell anyone. My wife just had a baby!”? What rocker is so addicted to Showgirls that he’s rented it dozens of times, proving without a doubt that everybody hurts. (Bonus answer: Michael Stipe. Just buy it, sweetie!) What late-night personality is prone to romantic repartee like “Show me the pussy!”? What ever happened to Baby Jane?