The shit has hit the fan, folks—so without further ado-do: What clean-scrubbed, nice-to-the-point-of-boring movie actress was once a strung-out junkie who roomed with that lovable rock slag and that sitcom brunette, both of whom were also skanky drug ‘hos? What shady guy whom you wouldn’t want to do your taxes got cornholed by that quirky rock star at a party I unfortunately wasn’t invited to? What designing man involved in that new project is the perfect dude for the job, since he’s an ex-gay who, thanks to EST, is now totally “cured” and married? Who used to be known as “the gay rapper” before he became straight and famous? What popular singer is even more popular thanks to going out and getting herself a boob job the day after the Grammys? (Though I’m sure she’d rather have won an award.) What celeb elegantly said of her ex-girlfriend, “I would never wear the clothes designed by that cunt”? (Me neither—too expensive.)
What movie-star-turned-camp-actress screamed her lungs out when her husband had a heart attack, tied as she was to the hubby in a bondage-and-domination scene the maid allegedly found them in? What follically challenged movie stud ordered a hair-growth product from Europe and was ecstatic to find that it actually worked? (It didn’t wash away those gay rumors, though.) What funnyman was in the midst of getting a blowjob from his boyfriend when they had a fight, prompting said boyfriend to bite the appendage, which apparently is so small you could keep servicing it while articulately arguing your case? What busty gold digger has been dating a truck-driving lesbian housepainter? What supposedly sweet TV star is really a bitch on wheels who drives subordinates right into the mental ward with her demands? Who took to the tequila bottle when her tour failed and has been drunkenly gurgling on about her plummeting career ever since? Why, for once, is she right?
What talk show host tried to hold her man’s hand in public view at a store, only to have him crudely rebuff her romantic gesture (not that this is any indication of their relationship, mind you)? What fashion world presence’s boyfriend chats up potential tricks at the gym, informing at least one of them that he’s an ex-hustler? (Funny, he’s never told the boyfriend.) What unemployed journo was partly done in by an Eve Harrington-like fellow employee he’d helped to hire? What TV show had to truly face reality when a case of herpes broke out among the participants, causing production to halt until all the blisters subsided? What esteemed British actor won’t come out because he hasn’t gotten around to telling his 1000-year-old mother he’s gay? What movie executive enjoys massages by boys in underwear and socks, specifically insisting the young ones work on his fabulous feet? What male singer likes to have that female singer finger his ass—proof that he must be straight, right?
What aging starlet’s brother is married with children, but regularly navigates his gigantic schlong around a public park, where he picked up a friend of mine? What does he say about his sister? (Free answer: “She’s a no-talent slut.”) What mirthful gay guy hires male porn stars to come over and push his “taint”—that delightful area between your testes and your ass—back and forth for hours, until he loudly climaxes? Is there enough money in the world? (‘Taint your business to answer that.) What musical act lost a member to AIDS, but said it was cancer, and still won’t do AIDS benefits for “image” reasons?
What legend’s daughter once weepily said to Mama, “My husband’s gay,” to which the diva replied, “Now, honey, that’s not bad for the first one”? What the hell are the daughter and the queen still doing together? What megastar went into a jealous snit on the set of his upcoming movie when a cameo performer got a little too friendly with the flick’s younger male star? Which problematic second-tier boy-group member was recently working as an escort for a little cash on the side? What music biz survivor spotted a hot babe across the room and, with tongue hanging out, demanded to be introduced to her, only to realize she’s his goddaughter? What faded star is addicted to anything sweet and caffeinated and loves to squeeze chocolate syrup into her coke (a-Cola)?
Remember that model’s drug period? Well, did you know that in the midst of it, she got some momentary pleasure watching a male friend do it with a hustler he’d picked up in Penn Station—though she couldn’t manage to coerce a gal pal to come upstairs and gawk too? Do you also remember when I told you that a certain politico was regularly commingling with a mistress for Sunday-night Sopranos-and-stuff trysts at the Marriott? Didn’t it all come true? What other politician was recently dining with three blond bimbos, one of whom was inventively giving him a handjob through his pants?
Who warned his boss about his brewing sex scandal, but left out one crucial detail? Who propositioned another person in the steam room? Which TV-star-turned-movie-star who’s married to that other TV-star-turned-movie-star was just observed letting her daughter pee in the dirt in Central Park? (I’m selling the wet soil on eBay.) What rough-hewn singer boasts about having gotten a “green diamond” from that male superstar, not realizing they actually have a separate word for it: emerald?
What designer deserves major props for helping produce the final night of the ambisexual rock club event, Squeezebox? (Another free answer: Calvin Klein.) What drag queen told me at that very event that he once slept with author-scene maker Victoria Leacock? (Justin Bond—a/k/a Kiki—who added, “I prefer men, but it was nice and didn’t stop me from sleeping with other women later.”) How did superstar DJ Moby assess the Bush administration to me at the recent gala benefit for the Public Theater? (“The half-assed attempts to placate the electorate are offensive in that some people actually fall for them!”)
What’s the official response to a tip I got claiming Peter Gatien might sell Limelight to Spa owner David Marvisi? (“Peter says he’d rather burn down the club than sell it to him,” claims Spa’s publicist. Gatien denies saying that and adds that he’s “had no conversations with anybody representing Marvisi.”) Who’ll star in the prequel to King of New York, with Christopher Walken‘s blessing? (Mark Wahlberg.) Did Disney trim scenes from Pearl Harbor‘s Japanese release out of deep compassion? (No, “They are a huge market,” a rep explains, “and accounted for 20 percent of the profits for Titanic.”) Why is actor Bobby Cannavale glad he’s out of Third Watch and into 100 Centre St.? (“I had nothing to do,” he told me at a party last week. “I’d be like, ‘His pulse is dropping.’ And they’d say, ‘Be sexy.’ “) Whom did I just praise for publicly thanking her girlfriend, only to have her later say she was actually gushing over a “close friend”? (Rosie O’Donnell.) What happened to Rosie’s publicist’s recent insistence that Rosie and her girlfriend “never hide away. . . . She is what she is”? What you talking ’bout, Willis?