Heads Kicked in Tonight

Uncle Sam stole the blues from the black man; John Bull stole the blooze from the Jews. Bowie eminem’d Bolan, Jimmy Page patbooned Peter Green, and, after English Protestant fashion, introduced fatalistic determinism in place of the mysteries of the lysergic crucifixion. None of this is news to Judas Priest fans, of course—but do they know that FM’s “Green Manalishi” is actually more gothimetallic than Priest’s “the one they played at Live Aid (!)” remake? (Then again, if “driving a Rolls Royce was good for the voice” then Stevie Nicks wouldn’t do it.)

Y’already know Say You Will‘s actual title: Lindsey Snorts ‘Sunflower’ Through ‘Keeping the Summer Alive’ [oh yes] and Creates ‘Tusk 2’ While Using the Bits Falling Out of His Nostrils For the “Stevie Tracks.” (Working title: Whatever Happened to Chivalry). But the real title should be “Say You Will” Was Another Great Hit By Foreigner—Yet Another Band We Invented! Well, Us and Free—but We Were Noshin’ at the Same Stamford Hill Deli!

To prove it, there’s “Come” (!), where Lindsey discovers the wonderful world of Chicken Shack and Spooky Tooth and Argent. This song really is amazing; they truly have never forgotten “Oh Well” and “Rattlesnake Shake”! Rejoice! The singing is quite extraordinary: For every line, he changes his voice and it alternately sounds like Mike Reno, Dan McCafferty, and Mark Slaughter. Proper screeching, this—I haven’t heard the likes since Quiet Riot and Vinnie Vincent Invasion. We’re not talking Lenny Kravitz here!

You might notice we’re not talking Stevie much either. I just think her new songs are really boring, though some do have amazing guitar solos. Lots of late-Aerosmith-type (“toxic girl”!!!) doin’ the 12-step with Diane Warren. I don’t want to offend Stevie fans because they get rilly into her. They’re an intense bunch. Butch women and effeminate guys, mainly; also a smattering of mature people who are “comfortable with themselves,” i.e., now that they finally found someone to fuck, they’re happy. You might recall that “Rattlesnake Shake” was a song by FM’s original guitarist about the drummer’s masturbation. And that the title was stolen by both Mötley Crüe and Skid Row, and that the rest of the song was stolen and used as a bottomless career-well by Judas Priest. Who betrayed Jesus to the Romans. For not going to medical school.