Ladies and gentlemen, meet Miss Allen, Miss Delancey, Miss Houston, Miss Orchard, and Miss Rivington—as this year’s contestants, they were hand plucked out of 500 earnest applicants for the fourth annual L.E.S. pageant. Literally scuffling over who will carry home the plastic tiara purchased from the local 99-cent store, a whirlwind of drink tickets, and $100 in singles, these youthful lesbians (yes, it’s dykes only, hence the “les” in the title) trade in their Birkenstocks to compete in categories that include platform statements, swimsuit flaunting, evening wear, an interview, and, if time permits, talent (after all, who really cares about that?). Murray Hill—the mastermind behind this affair—eggs on the spectacle as his Murrayettes (ex-showgirls and rehabilitating pageant runners-up) take over halftime. Oh, and let’s not forget the celeb judges tallying votes and taking bribes: our very own Michael Musto, comedienne Marga Gomez, drag first lady Linda Simpson, the fabu Wau Wau Sisters, and Le Tigre’s JD Samson. Later, gaze at previous pageant winners reliving their L.E.S. heyday as they impart the pivotal role donning le tiara plastique played in their lives. Let’s hope all the competitors get loaded before appearing onstage like 2003’s third runner-up!