ARIES (March 21-April 19): Two wrongs may make a right this week. A mistake could lead to a lucky break, and some questionable decisions could result in you looking like a genius. The karma in your vicinity is extremely odd, Aries. It’s as if you can’t get the opportunities you need unless something goes awry. It’s like the only way you can meet your date with destiny is if you’re under an illusion about what your date with destiny is.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I’m tempted to address you as “Your Majesty” or “Your Grace.” There’s something regal about your mood. What’s going on? Are you finally realizing how much power you have to create the life you really want? Are you ready to shake the misguided belief that others are in control of your destiny? I won’t be upset, Taurus, if you issue the equivalent of royal decrees in the coming week. And I’ll be pleased if you act on Robert Anton Wilson’s assertion that “Reality is what you can get away with.”
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you believe your body is inherently sinful or if you’re offended by references to your private parts, stop reading now. Still here? Good. The fact is, dear Gemini, that this is a perfect time to celebrate, explore, and reinvent your relationship with your genitals. It’s your sacred duty to strip away every negative association about them that you may have acquired in the past. Do whatever it takes to arrive at the understanding that your sexual organs are among the most sublime gifts the Divine Creator has given you. Have fun with them, worship them, teach them greater discipline, and in general lift them to the exalted state they deserve.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): This week you may frequently experience a psychological state called “schizofriendia.” As defined by one of my readers, Lewis, schizofriendia is a condition in which people hear voices in their heads that are unfailingly supportive, encouraging, and keen to offer constructive advice about how to make the most of everything that happens. It’s true, my fellow Cancerian, that in the past the little voices in our heads have only occasionally been reliable sources of information. But they will more than compensate for that during the Golden Age of Self-Healing that’s just ahead.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In many cultures, the dove has served as a symbol of divinity, purity, and peace. To Muslims and Christians, for instance, it represents the Holy Spirit. In contrast, the pigeon is often regarded as a nuisance whose prolific droppings are an eyesore and health hazard. And yet the terms “dove” and “pigeon” are used interchangeably for many species of birds; they’re essentially the same. I mention this, Leo, because I think you’ll have a dove-pigeon thing happening for you this week. A certain situation will have both a lyrical, harmonious side and a banal, bedraggled aspect. They go together; you can’t have the dove without the pigeon.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): As the relentless nihilism of the mass media threatens to quash our ability to even perceive, let alone exult in, life’s glorious beauty, we need new words to remind us to see with our own eyes. I have one: mirabilia, which is actually an old term that hasn’t been used much in the last 400 years. Its literal definition is “marvels that inspire wonder,” but I’d like to add the following nuances: beguiling curiosities, enigmatic joys, changes that inspire amused awe, and sudden deliverance from boring evils. I’m happy to report that you Virgos, more than any other sign, are currently poised to see, create, and attract mirabilia.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I have never before called on the help of actress Mae West to illuminate your horoscope. Her cracked wisdom is so relentlessly arch and ironic that it’s rarely useful as advice. Given the extraordinary nature of your current astrological omens, however, I’m now going to be utterly sincere as I recommend that you pattern yourself after her. Mae once said, “When I’m good, I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.” For a limited time only, Libra, you have the right to speak these words as if they were your deepest truth.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You’re at the climax of your yearly cycle, Scorpio. That means you have the power to harvest the best possible outcomes of all the themes you’ve been developing since your last birthday. Here are two pieces of advice to help you make the most of this magic moment. (1) Use the system but don’t let it use you. Refuse to believe that any bureaucracy or organization is stronger than you. (2) Frequently ask yourself the following question: “What is the most fun, productive, and liberating action I can take right now?”
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In his live show, Monster, Irish comedian Dylan Moran tells audience members not to fulfill their potential. “It’s like your bank balance,” he says. “You always have a lot less than you think. Don’t look at it. It’s like a locked door within yourself. Leave it that way.” A review in The New Yorker reported this rant admiringly, as if it were unique and witty. In my view, though, it’s actually hackneyed and idiotic. Most of us have received some version of that cynical advice over and over again. I do think it’s important to recognize how prevalent Moran’s philosophy is, because then you have more power to reject it. So that’s part one of your assignment, Sagittarius: Recall all the times you’ve been told, either blatantly or covertly, that you have less potential than you imagine. Part two: Open the locked door within you and gaze at your potential, knowing there’s a lot more of it than you think.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In my mind, there are no ambiguities about your immediate future. Here are the three precise formulas that sum up all you need to know for now. (1) If you clean out the stultifying chaos in your closet, your garage, or your mind, you will set in motion events that will ultimately bring you in contact with fertile, delightful chaos. (2) As soon as you dispense with once useful stuff you don’t need any more, you will be delivered from a supposedly “necessary” evil. (3) If you cut down on your use of careless language and tame your reflex to judge people harshly, you will be given the key to a treasure you didn’t even know existed.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): To the Sioux, storms that replenish the earth with heavy rain are Thunder Beings. The Mayan god of fertility and agriculture is the beneficent Chaac, who demonstrates his friendship for humans by sending them thunder and rain. For the Algonquins, Michabo is the creator of the earth and the human race. He is also master of the thunder and wind. Tawhiki is the Polynesian god of thunder and lightning, as well as the provider of good health and he who bestows the skill of building fine houses. I believe that in the coming week, Aquarius, you will have the chance to be in intimate communion with a thunder god or goddess who has much in common with these deities.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): For a decade I’ve enjoyed observing the growing cycle of the persimmon tree in my front yard. Its new leaves bud in February, but its fruits aren’t ready to eat until December. This July there was an event I’ve never seen in previous years. A branch became so heavy with ripening persimmons that it broke off and fell to the ground. While it was sad to me at the time, I now notice that the persimmons on the remaining branches are bigger than they usually are in September. I expect that around Christmas time, I may see fewer blooms than in previous years, but they’ll be of record-breaking size. The entire scenario I just described is an apt metaphor for your year, Pisces. Whatever you lost a couple of months ago will result in you getting fewer but bigger rewards by the end of 2004.
HOMEWORK: We all worship something, whether or not we believe in God or the gods. What idea, person, thing, or emotion do you bow down to? Testify at