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Fighting Terror in Ohio


Homeland Security chief marches in to try to keep state safe from Democrats

In his never-ending mission to stave off threats to the United States of America, Homeland Security czar Tom Ridge, operating under Code Yellow, has traveled to Ohio to secure that endangered state for the Bush regime.

In a stirring October 15 address to the state’s police officials, gathered for the Ohio Conference on Law Enforcement, Ridge said, “We know that there are many fronts in the war on terrorism.”

Apparently, Ohio is the front. Ridge and his 20 or so top aides have pledged to remain above partisan politics, but the Associated Press’s Katherine Pleger Shrader parsed Homeland Security’s travel records and discovered that nearly 60 percent of their travel in the past seven months has been to the 17 most hotly contested states in the presidential race.

Shrader noted that one of the trips forwarding the department’s mission of protecting America was that of Sue Mencer, head of the Office of Domestic Preparedness, who “traveled to the Marysville, Ohio, firehouse to deliver a grant that had been awarded weeks earlier.”

“It seems that the Bush administration has once again taken its eye off of Osama bin Laden and placed it squarely on the Nov. 2 election,” AP quoted House member Carolyn Maloney of New York as saying.

Shrader quoted Ridge as having vowed, “We don’t do politics in the Department of Homeland Security.” Well, then, Tom, good job of responding to threats.

Ohio’s law enforcement officials can certainly feel protected: Their federal funds are not in any danger of drying up.

Amid the Bush administration’s continual slashing of federal funds to the states for education and social welfare programs, Ridge reminded Ohio’s cops on October 15, “Our job in the federal government is to get resources to local officials quickly so they can purchase tools, provide training, and protect their communities,” adding, “The administration has provided Ohio with more than $266 million in homeland security funds. And you are spending those funds wisely.”

And more money is on the way, earmarked for Ohio’s Law Enforcement Terrorism Prevention Program. “Over $15 million in homeland security dollars will fund this program,” Ridge said.

Invoking college football—”If Ohio State’s defensive line was as sturdy as the State of Ohio’s homeland security line of defense, the Buckeyes would still be undefeated”—and Franklin Delano Roosevelt—”We Americans of today, together with our allies, are passing through a period of supreme test”—Ridge said, “This is, indeed, the test of our times. But I am certain that, together, we will meet this test—just as we have met many great challenges in the past.”

What new “challenges” will America face in the next two weeks? Just before the Republican National Convention, Ridge raised the alert level. If he does it right before the election, maybe local law enforcement will be asked to scramble into action and lock things down in the battleground states, perhaps scaring “liberals” away from the polls—or trapping urban, mostly Democratic, voters in huge traffic jams.

At least the troops in Ohio will be well-funded and prepared to help Ridge in his mission.

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