It’s a new year! A time to take stock, own up, dry out, and ask yourself, “What can I do to ensure a happier fashion life for the next 12 months?” We looked deep into our souls—and our closets—and have resolved to do the following:
(1) We will never, ever, again buy anything that is itchy, a hideous color, or just a little too small (let’s face it—those pounds are permanent) even if it is unbelievably cheap. This time of year, even high-end behemoths like Bloomingdale’s and Bergdorf’s slash prices, and whenever they do, we come running like a Pavlovian hound, though our armoires burst with mistakes of past seasons. (At least in the big department stores you can return items no matter how many times they’ve been marked down, unlike smaller boutiques, where you’re stuck forever. Did you know this? It’s very important.)
(2) We will realize once and for all that those sad, sunken-cheeked people seen on the runways are 14 years old. That is why they have no hips and flat chests—they are not grown-ups. If we compare ourselves to them we will go insane.
(3) We will try to be more like that mythical archetypical French person who not only detests George Bush but allegedly buys just one or two expensive, full-price, hot-label items per season and shamelessly wears them to death. (Supposedly her maman taught her how to do mesmerizing tricks with scarves to make people think she has more than two outfits.) By the by, she reputedly retains her ridiculously svelte physique by eating small amounts of French fries, miniature petits fours, and gallons of olive oil. But hey, we’re not going to worry about what she consumes, because our next resolution is extremely radical:
(4) We will continue to endeavor to create a style uniquely our own, regardless of what size we are. Since true glamour relies in large part on smoke and mirrors anyway, we will just buy what we love (maybe even at full price). We will not concern ourselves about what others may think—it’s New York, you can wear anything—and to hell with the BMI chart. So:
(5) Goodbye to basics! We’re going to dress even wackier in 2005, and you should too! Who needs another black skirt? Take it from us: The funnier you dress, the more fun you’ll have.