Sleep on the Couch Tonight, Darling


Anti-canoodlers of the world, stand and be counted. While aficionados of the lovey-dovey are planning a Blockbuster night with the oeuvres of Meg Ryan and Sandra Bullock, treat yourselves to these off-putting I’ll-never-fall-in-love-again classics.

1. DEAD RINGERS (CRITERION) Jeremy Irons will freak your shit as a pair of fucked-up twin gynecologists in this David Cronenberg creep-out. One of them falls in love with pill-popping actress Geneviève Bujold, the other gets jealous, and the descent into madness begins. If you’re involved with a woman, the whole “unhinged gyno” aspect of the film will guarantee she won’t want to be touched Down There for weeks.

2. STAR 80 (WARNER HOME VIDEO) Bob Fosse’s final film tracks the softcore life and sadcore death of Playboy model Dorothy Stratten (pneumatically played by Mariel Hemingway). Her slink up the Hollywood ladder is quashed when she’s brutally murdered by her nut job husband .

3. BONJOUR TRISTESSE (COLUMBIA TRISTAR HOME ENTERTAINMENT) Otto Preminger’s adaptation of Françoise Sagan’s novel (it was the Less Than Zero of its day, only good) stars Jean Seberg as a party minx out to derail papa David Niven’s engagement to blue-nose designer Deborah Kerr.

4. ERASERHEAD (VHS ONLY) It’s Love, David Lynch-Style: A personality-free young man with a great haircut (Jack Nance) is abandoned by his unpleasant wife after the birth of their screeching, mucusy, alien-esque baby. Then he loses his heart to the woman in the radiator. Put the Moët back in the fridge and pop an extra Paxil.

5. HUSBANDS AND WIVES (COLUMBIA TRISTAR HOME ENTERTAINMENT) Woody Allen’s poisonous relationship comedy—which asserts that the only thing worse than being married is being alone—actually made a guy I was dating dump me after we saw it, saving me the bother.