It’s time to face it—the family values folks are right and SpongeBob Squarepants is even more of a gay sponge than my last boyfriend. But though the Catholic church would surely condemn SpongeBob to invertebrate hell (unless he confessed), the United Church of Christ has decided—in my favorite recent press release—that “Jesus’s message of extravagant welcome extends to all” and that totally includes the light-in-the-loafers cartoon creature. The release states that they’d also “warmly receive Barney, Big Bird, Tinky Winky, and Clifford the Big Red Dog.” Wow—I’ve certainly fucked the first three, but I didn’t know Clifford was gay!
Moving on to my favorite real life cartoon character, gay icon Barbra Streisand has been on a new career high thanks to the massive success of Meet The Fockers, and the church of second-wind Jews is extendng an extravagant welcome. I’M thrilled too! Babs had languished for way too many years, turning down offers because they weren’t “important” enough, dawdling around on never-launched projects like her Normal Heart flick, and stewing over not getting enough recognition as the female Kurosawa. I always thought she should seize any available light, zany role (like her old ones in What’s Up Doc? and For Peter’s Sake) and just have a romp with it, to remind people she’s around and can poke fun at herself, rather than treat her every filmed utterance as a monumental life changer. Astonishingly enough, she listened to me (though I hear she put up a fight) and even got her old perm back—and her old career too. Hello again, gorgeous!