No Place Like . . .


DVDs aren’t popular simply because people prefer watching movies at home. They’re popular because people prefer shutting themselves in rather than exposing themselves to muggers, religious pamphleteers, mad-cow-riddled cheeseburgers, sniffling and sneezing potential SARS carriers, and enough other germs to make Howard Hughes go stiff. It’s a terrifying world out there, so bolt the windows and remind yourself you’re smart to stay indoors with these shut-in classics:

AFTER HOURS [Warner Home Video] Smarmy yuppie Griffin Dunne wanders too far downtown in a hellish pre-Giuliani Manhattan and winds up getting chased by a mob, given a semi-mohawk, and walking in on Linda Fiorentino in the middle of an s/m scene.

SNOOPY COME HOME [Paramount Home Video, VHS only] An animated beagle leaves the comfort of Charlie Brown’s suburban house only to encounter mean cats, clingy young girls, and a bevy of “No Dogs Allowed” signs. Stay at home! There’s nothing out there worth seeing!

THE HILLS HAVE EYES [Anchor Bay Entertainment] A traveling family gets stranded in the middle of the desert and must fight off a tribe of inbred mutant cannibals for survival. The movie doesn’t show the greater horrors of travel, which include scratchy polyester sheets and dodgy ice machines.

TOUCHING THE VOID [MGM Home Video] Two mountaineers have an exceedingly difficult time making their way down a treacherous Peruvian slope. Really, wouldn’t you rather fix some cocoa and make yourself all snuggly-wuggly in your favorite blanket?

FANNY AND ALEXANDER [Criterion Collection] It’s not always just about staying at home—it’s important to be in the right home (see Grey Gardens). The titular kids in this Ingmar Bergman epic get uprooted from their beautiful home and have to go live with a scary, humorless preacher man in his gross, spartan house. Git off my property!