Dear Fans, The time has finally come to share our wonderful news that we are expecting our first child together. There are reports that I was in the hospital this weekend. Kevin and I just want everyone to know that all is well. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Love, Britney and Kevin. britneyspears.com
So writes Ms. Spears, or someone impersonating her, on the official Britney Spears website, confirming rumors that her rounder shape is not the result of too much pecan pie.
It’s no surprise that Spears, who has seemed increasing lost lately, would decide to put whatever remains of her career on hold and decide to become a mom (will she shop the kid out like her own mom did to her?) What interests us is: What will Britney wear in the months leading up to the big day? After all, she has been known to be a pretty saucy dresser, at least in front of the camera. (In truth, offstage she evinces, like so many other unimaginative young women her age, a depressing penchant for daisy dukes and tees.)
Still, if Britney decides she wants to cover her girth with real flair, she has options available that were unthinkable a scant generation ago. Back when her mother was preggers, maternity clothes ran to flowery smocks with big lacy collars and puffed sleeves: You weren’t just having a baby, you had to look like one too. Now, of course, you can find just about anything in the maternity department, from a tuxedo to a pair of Seven jeans.
But then again, what if you don’t favor suits or jeans? What if, let’s just say, you’re a pregnant goth? Frankly, we thought the web would be bursting with witchy maternity goth smocks, but we were disappointed. A site called the Velvet Garden turns out to have just one paltry black v-neck maternity tank-tunic that could be considered even slightly sinister. Otherwise, the offerings run to the usual dull dresses and even—yikes—a few degrading pastels.
Someone working the hippie side of the street has an easier time of it. This person needn’t patronize the maternity store at all—she could just don a Mexican wedding shirt, Indian kurta, dashiki, or other voluminous ethnic gentleman’s garb, instead of visiting places with icky names like A Pea in the Pod. (If men had babies, would they have to shop in a place named after a vegetable?) Or she could raise a lazy finger from the futon and log on to sunshinejoy.com, where the tie-dyed maternity tees include Navajo, Camo, and the classic Rainbow Spiral.
Then again, you could take a page out of Britney’s original book and put on a regulation schoolgirl kilt like one the singer made famous in that first hit video. Though we are unable to turn up anything that advertises itself as a maternity kilt, we get to thinking—couldn’t you just loosen the buckles of any old kilt and move the safety pin? If it covers those Scottish guys’ guts, it’s sure to fit little you.