Don’t Luke Now: Episodes VII–IX


First George Lucas said there’d be three trilogies, now he whines there’ll be only two, but don’t believe him. How can you leave Luke and the Ewoks dangling like that? How can you say no to another billion dollars? There’s so much more story to distend into regressive demonstrations of wonking prowess and grade school screenwriting! We paid off an ILM janitor, and here’s what’s coming up for 2008, 2011, and 2014! And then we’ve got the six-pound DVD box to look forward to!

Episode VII: Retardation of the Urp With the Empire in tatters, Luke caters to a self-indulgent galaxy by selling the Ewoks off as pets, but the Guild, the Federation, the Corporate Alliance, the Union, the Gamma Deltas, the Moose Lodge, and the WTO decide to gang-sue for a piece, just as a band of dark-side Jedis—Bucko Rogerso, Oboy Barffarter, Yoda Jr.—try to regain control of the universe, assisted by reprogrammed droid I-P4U.

Episode VIII: Invasion of the Bocciagalupe A new danger looms in the form of a new Dark Czar, who’s really Han Solo’s abusive alcoholic father, and who recruits a hundred million Squitcherines from the planet of Vogbulnoy—in the Fuggedit system—to wage war on the Skywalker dynasty. Jar Jar Binks and Leia wed and have beagle puppies.

Episode IX: Escape From Yadda-Yadda Luke’s rebellious son Fuke begins to wear black capes and call himself “Farth,” so he’s sent off to military school, just as the Dark Czar seizes the galaxy and completes construction of a giant Death iPod. A new savior arises—a Turkish-accented salamander from the H D system, who defeats the Czar in a duel with laser spitballs.