Star Spangled to Darth


In recent interviews, George Lucas has asserted that once the Star Wars series ends, he will devote his talents to making experimental films. But according to a number of memos found by the Voice in a dumpster outside Anthology Film Archives, his true plans are slightly different. Turns out he intends to use cutting-edge LucasArts technology to “improve” upon several classics of the avant-garde. Some proposed projects include:

Cremaster 6: A New Hope In this sequel to Matthew Barney’s five-part cycle, a red-headed goat-man races an X-wing starfighter made of frozen Vaseline to the moon of Endor, where he couples with a paraplegic Ewok.

Han Solo Rising Lucas uses digital magic to insert Harrison Ford’s character into Kenneth Anger’s Scorpio Rising, revealing the latent homoeroticism of his tight leather vest.

Jedi Donkey-Boy Lucas augments Dogme bad-boy Harmony Korine’s free-form feature with a new scene in which a pregnant Padmé attempts to cross the frozen seas of Hoth on handmade ice skates.

Jar Jar Nation The life story of Jar Jar Binks is retold in the style of Jonathan Caouette’s acclaimed autobiography, montaged from 30 years of grainy holograms to chronicle the awkward alien’s struggles with anti-Gungan prejudice and a congenital speech defect.

Un Chien de Naboo Audiences will squirm to this update of Dalí and Buñuel’s notorious surrealist film, as a lightsaber suddenly slices into the eyeball of Queen Amidala.

Unfortunately, little information was revealed about two other major titles, Stan Brakhage’s Window Water Baby Wookiee and Andy Warhol’s Blow Jabba .