ARIES (March 21–April 19): A judge in Los Angeles was peeved when a potential juror let out a loud yawn during the jury selection process. “I’m sorry, but I’m really bored,” the man confessed. The judge found him in contempt and fined him $100. Similarly, Aries, the universe will find you in contempt if you let yourself get sucked into activities that dull your senses, shut down your curiosity, or numb your lust for life. This week it’s your sacred duty to seek out only the most interesting stimuli.
TAURUS (April 20–May 20): Most towns in Ghana have no street names, and the houses have no numbers. It’s hard to find where people live if you’ve never visited them before. This is a good metaphor for an issue I want to bring to your attention, Taurus. There’s a certain part of your life that has never been mapped, let alone organized. And yet it’s not at all wild; in fact, it’s like a bustling village where the streets have no names. It’s high time you brought some order and discipline to this place.
GEMINI (May 21–June 20): Film actor Gianni Russo, best known for his portrayal of wiseguys, has fathered 11 children with 10 different women. He’ll be both your role model and anti-role model in the coming weeks, Gemini. Like him, your fertility will be abundant. Unlike him, you should focus this huge gift with precision and discrimination. Please don’t work on any more than two brainchildren at a time.
CANCER (June 21–July 22): Research on newly discovered fragments of ancient New Testament texts reveals that Christian fundamentalists have been working under an erroneous assumption. The number of the beast is not 666, as right-wing prophets of the apocalypse have long believed. The correct figure is actually 616. I mention this, Cancerian, because your ideas about enemies and evil are also about to undergo a revision. Freed from an illusion, you will at first be sad, then relieved, then confused, then elated.
LEO (July 23–Aug. 22): I have a dream that in the new world, everyone will be paid in direct proportion to how much beauty they create. There’ll be an affirmative action program that ultimately makes most of us celebrities. Buddhist real estate developers will build a chain of sacred shopping centers in the heartland. The CEOs of the richest companies will be required by law to enjoy once-a-week sessions with Jungian psychotherapists. In the new world, April Fools’ Day will come once a month. There’ll be scientific horoscopes and mystical logic. Every one of us will have at least one imaginary friend. Compassion will be an aphrodisiac. Pioneers in artificial intelligence will develop computers that can talk to God. That’s my vision of the new world, Leo. What’s yours? It’s a perfect moment to imagine your personal vision of utopia.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): You’ve probably never heard of one of the greatest heroes of the last 100 years. Virgo microbiologist Maurice Hilleman (1919-2005) developed vaccines for measles, pneumonia, meningitis, hepatitis, and many other diseases. The Guardian said he saved more lives in the 20th century than anyone else. And yet, as is all too typical for Virgos, he never got anywhere near the acclaim he deserved. Having said that, I believe the coming weeks will depart from the astrological norm. Many of you Virgos will get much more of the recognition and rewards you have earned but never before received.
LIBRA (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): We’re all in the closet in one way or another. Every one of us feels that there’s some part of ourselves we’ve got to hide, that if we reveal the totality of who we really are, we will suffer. For example, U.S. Army Sergeant Robert Stout, who was wounded and got a Purple Heart for his service in Iraq, ultimately decided he was tired of being secret about his homosexuality. As a result, he can’t re-enlist, even though he’d like to. My psychotherapist friend Alicia has always used astrology in her practice, but only recently chose to be open about it. Some of her colleagues broke off relations when she told them. According to my reading of the omens, Libra, it’s an ideal time to carefully come out of whatever closet you’ve been in. I’m not saying there’ll be no repercussions, just that you’ll have clarity and strength as you deal with them. And the freedom you create with your brave revelation will change everything for the better.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): One of Sesame Street‘s most recognizable characters is Cookie Monster. After years of feasting on all the cookies he wanted, the fuzzy blue puppet has recently been forced to limit his intake. In an effort to teach kids better eating habits, the show’s producers even require Cookie Monster to sing a song called “A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food.” I vociferously protest this action. Born November 2, Cookie Monster is a Scorpio, and Scorpios shouldn’t be compelled to tone down their desires as long as their desires aren’t hurting anyone. You’re on this earth to explore your cravings, to be led by your cravings to the frontiers of understanding. That’s the only way they can teach you all they have to teach. Now go and commune with as many cookies (or your personal equivalent) as you need to.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): In the film 3-Iron, a man and a woman meet and become lovers without ever speaking. They maintain their perfect silence even as they glide through a series of adventures, forging a sly, resilient harmony. Their romance provides a “fresh, confident vision of love as a kind of Buddhist refuge,” reported The Week. While I don’t recommend that you take up their model of intimacy forever, Sagittarius, I do think it’s a perfect time to try it out for a brief period. Do you dare? Spend a day or even a few hours with the person you’re closest to without saying a word to each other. (Nonsense sounds are permissible.)
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has no tolerance for his children’s carelessness with their dirty clothes. His wife, Maria Schriver, says that if he finds the kids’ pajamas and T-shirts lying around, he simply burns them. I urge you to take a page out of the Terminator’s book, Capricorn. It’s an excellent time to throw parts of your wardrobe into the fire—especially things that may still look OK but no longer suit your style. You know what I mean: the clothes that remind you of the person you used to be but no longer are. Once you’ve got the blaze started, why not fling in a bunch of other stuff that’s outdated, worn out, and weighing you down?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Last fall, millions of Ukrainians waged the “orange revolution.” Wearing orange scarves as their symbol of solidarity, they peacefully overturned the results of the rigged presidential election. Citizens of the ex-Soviet republic of Georgia had their own nonviolent insurrection in 2003, wielding bouquets of roses as they toppled their chief tyrant during the “rose revolution.” I hereby proclaim the coming week to be the launch of the Aquarian tribe’s “seed revolution.” Inspired by the metaphor of the seed, you will weed out the rotting status quo and plant your seedlike ideas everywhere you go. Carry a packet of seeds with you at all times. What kind? Doesn’t matter: pumpkin, wildflower, magic beans, or anything that excites your imagination.
PISCES (Feb. 19–March 20):In 2004 the U.S. federal government gave $2.2 billion to the 50 states, directing them to spend the money to defend against terrorism. So far, though, 86 percent of the donation remains unused. Many of the states can’t seem to decide how to allocate the funds. This problem reminds me of a situation in your life, Pisces. You too have been blessed with a sizable endowment that you have not taken full advantage of. Is this the week you change all that? It might help to figure out the reasons why you have not yet understood the true purpose of gift.
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Free Will Astrology is a weekly horoscope published every Wednesday at 3 p.m. EST