Daughter: Mom, do you ever get that . . . not-so-fresh feeling?
Mom: But of course!
Daughter: So how do you deal with it?
Mom: Four words: Put. The. Douche. Down. And pick up a pair of scented panties by Melon . . .. Every woman wants to feel fresh and clean. Melons have an all-natural powder-fresh scent that lasts for up to fifteen washes. They’re also seamless, so you can’t see them underneath those tight little things you insist on wearing.
Daughter: (brightening) Oh! I’m ordering the thong!
—”Smell Wonder,” Daily Candy, June 20, 2005
Fashion trend report for 2005: Girls are real smelly. The stench of womanhood won’t go away with just Irish Spring—so try Melon’s scented panties, suggest websites Daily Candy and Scoop du Jour. The result of this cutting-edge technology (which sounds to us just like drier-sheet material woven into the underwear) is a powder-fresh scent that lasts up to 15 washes. And, even at $22 a pop, takes three to four weeks to receive because of overwhelming demand. The panties, available in thong or “fullback” styles, come in four colors (black, white, pink, or blue), and choices of trims with names like “pink lemonade,” “goodnight kiss” and “bumblebee.”
While Daily Candy’s parody of the old douche ad may humorously couch their routine product shilling, it also makes us ask: Ladies, are we moving forward? Looking at those TV commercials for Kotex Ultra Thin from a while back, the answer is: No. If you remember the ad, their “quieter pouch” allows for a less-loud rip upon opening the plastic wrap surrounding each individually-wrapped napkin. It’s not enough that Phil from Marketing doesn’t know you’re ragging out at the office. The chick in the stall next to you, fumbling with her more elegant tampon, must also be none the wiser. Kimberly-Clark, the makers of the Kotex brand, claims the use of a more discreet, “nonwoven, clothlike material” for the pouch is in response to consumer interests. “They did not like the crinkly sounds,” said a KC spokesperson. Perhaps these new non-crinkly pads are best used in conjunction with SweetSpot Labs’ balancing mist for your lady parts. No, not a liquid soap, more like a pH-balanced perfume with skin nourishers and hair conditioners(?!) for your vag. Quoth their website, which includes the spray in a “Hormone Harmony” supervalue pack of wipettes and cleansers: “All very good for the self-esteem, and we can’t think of a better place to start, can you?”
Not to worry, men, we haven’t forgotten your wilting self-esteem either. Several new styles of men’s briefs, according to an article from Newsweek, are designed to make the wearer appear to have more up front. According to Freshpair.com, <href=”http://www.freshpair.com/catalog_section_men_id_17_itemid_2078_brand_ 117.html”>C-IN2’s $15 pair includes ” a 1/2-inch inner sling that forms an elastic ring to lift your penis and scrotum and bring them forward. This gives you a better and bigger profile.” We imagine this is the equivalent of women ripping off their water bras right before sex.
A nice game of gotcha back, where only the marketing companies win in the end.