Suck This


I love Cock. I mean, the Cock, the notorious gay bar on Avenue A. It has a special place in my cold heart, especially since I have gotten naked on its small semen-stained stage—in front of a roomful of gay men who couldn’t care less—for its talentless talent contest, Foxy. Did I mention that I was naked? And that I lost? Twice? Did I also mention that I was very, very drunk? And so it is with great sadness that I report on this week’s closing of the Cock, which is moving into the Hole, a joke that is so easy, I can’t resist the urge to poke at it over and over and over.

I’ve seen some of the city’s best performers there—many of whom have gone on to bigger things. I watched JUSTIN BOND and JACKIE BEAT, I hung out with MARIO DIAZ, the former owner and my old homey from Seattle, who made the Cock a legendary sleaze palace. I saw the WORLD FAMOUS *BOB* do her famous “Cheeseburger Aerobics” on that little stage way before people were talking about burlesque. SHERRY VINE hosted many nights, potty-mouthed yet ever the lady. You’d find G-SPOT behind the bar, pouring cheap, strong drinks and fondling the go-go boys.

The bathroom line always had a wait that seemed to last forever when you actually had to pee, because everyone else was using the loo for other activities. There’s the one seriously unpleasant memory—when I ventured in the scary “back room” looking for Mario and a large mean man started screaming at me, “This is the Cock! For people who like cocks! Go away!” so I had him thrown out, because, hey, I fucking like cocks too. Asshole.

I remember the totally sleazy, sexy go-go boys, like SEAN from the TOILET BOYS and the Latino studs who started forgoing dancing altogether, taking their members out in full view of the crowd and gazing at them lovingly. (Sometimes they stroked them too.) And then there was the time I managed to convince one straight, impossibly beautiful go-go boy to take me home. Ah, the memories. The triple-X-rated, drug-fueled, alcohol-induced, totally perverted memories. I will miss my Cock. And even if it’s just moving into the Hole, the other place where I’ve often lost all my dignity, it may not be the same.

In honor of its closing week, during which the trashy venue saw performances by some of its famous alumni, I asked some old-school Cock regulars to tell me their favorite memories. Almost everyone had one that involved performance artist KRYLON SUPERSTAR pulling something out of his bum. It seems the man could fit entire cities in his ass.

Owner ALLAN PERSIFLAGE: “When Krylon came onstage in painter’s pants, dropped them to reveal a sphincterically held roller, and dipped it into a tray, spelling Foxy.”

The World Famous *BOB*: “When Krylon Superstar took the stage wrapped in Saran Wrap with horns on top of his head, the VOLUPTUOUS HORROR OF KAREN BLACK was blaring, and he unwrapped himself. He shucked an ear of corn, shoved the ear of corn up his butt, and spit out fresh-popped corn from his mouth onto the crowd!”

Mario Diaz: “When a sweet little Southern girl queefed the melody of ‘Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.’ It was in perfect tune. It made me cry tears of joy.”

DJ ADAM: “The girl that pulled a turkey leg out of her vagina on Thanksgiving.”

Jackie Beat: “I was doing a show and I noticed that everyone was looking past me and to the left. I turned to see that the curtain to the back room had been pulled away, revealing a blowjob in progress. I was livid! There’s also the time Mario and I almost got in a fistfight, and the night I started that nasty race riot, but I’m trying to put all that behind me.”

MISSTRESS FORMIKA: “My favorite memory is the closing!”

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