This Bling Stuff’s Gone Too Far I Think
a real editorial by Riff Raff
“Ostentatious jewelry — commonly referred to as ‘bling bling’–is a hallmark of rap music culture.” —CNN
Debates, the moral kind, aren’t new, and bling qua bling’s “gone too far” ipso facto. But this woman just started hating the stuff because one morning she woke up and saw Moses’s brute slab go chintzy necklace, the bibical chain called (contestably) the Uncontestable Ten. Some kids are still on that unfair distribution of wealth kick, and if you can believe it, this guy’s still bummed about “bling bling” making the OED cut–2003!
But hey, I just entered to win a Young Jeezy diamond-encrusted snowman, Kanye’s “Diamonds” remix is quite OK, and this rewriting of the Ten Commandments has enough problems of its own to keep us from worrying about iPod jewelry and campy white girls. Relevance be damned, here’s a round-up of the more off-the-wall bling pieces. I ask you: Have we gone too far?
Young Jeezy’s Angry Snowman: Cobbled together by Jacob the Jeweler, the Snowman displays its anger by altering its own molecular configuration and turning to coal; other times it curses or calls people “fag bag”
Tony Yayo’s Chain: A spinning glass case with diamonds inside. If the glass case ever stops spinning, Yayo runs the risk of actually becoming an interesting rapper
Slim Thug’s Mouth: The Houston rapper has reportedly replaced all his teeth with diamonds, and just commissioned a special-edition grillpiece made exclusively from his own back molars
Chingo Bling: The first emcee to double as his own bling; since he’s a recent Bad Boy sign, people on the street have also spotted P.Diddy wearing Chingo Bling around his neck
Jokaman Bling: The new voice of southern hip-hop insists his 1994 Toyota Camry is made of solid diamond, “and that’s no joke.” Upon closer observation, Jokaman’s car is actually an 87 Schwinn mountain bike with a lawnmower clumsily attached to the chain
Steve Jobs Bling: Apple’s Jobs recently revealed he ordered the manufacturing of the iPod Shuffle not as a consumer-level flash mp3 player, but as a vanity bling piece for 40- and 60gb iPod photos to wear around their scroll wheels
Pope John Paul II: Vatican rumors suggest the late pope died from asphyxiation, when that night he forgot to remove his solid diamond roman collar
Blingplants: Plastic surgeons report they are just weeks away from developing diamond breast implants that look and feel like real breasts