About 10 years ago, when Alan Keyes (not to be confused with the lead singer of Led Zeppelin, who has a different name, is white, and British) ran for president, my friend Tony V. and I organized an auction at a comedy club to raise money for Alan “I Can Blow Myself, But Must Keep It A Secret” Keyes. (If he really could, I’m sure the Republican Machine would bar him from discussing it publicly—in private, they would let him show off, of course.)
In about two hours, Tony and I raised $51 (along with some foreign money—from Thailand I believe.) We then mailed the cash in an envelope (it was before you could mail things in jack-o-lanterns) with a note that said, “We think you are crazy, but good luck.” I don’t know if it is illegal to accept foreign cash in a political campaign, but it would explain Alan’s sex vacation fetish, that I am making up now.
At the time, I didn’t have a lot of experience donating money to political campaigns. In college I found much of the activism around me aggravating (in hindsight, I was totally right to be annoyed.) However, I quickly found out what happens. You begin to receive letters and calls every month asking for money. At first the requests were from Alan. He had created a lot of debt during his presidential crusade (perhaps he was just born 900 years too late—a child of a different era.)
Eventually, I began to receive other letters from all sorts of ultra-conservative organizations (not the kind that want a strong military, lower taxes, or some sort of individual responsibility, but more the kind that are terrified that Liberals are building a Godless helmet that uses the energy from a child’s smile to power a machine that takes everyone’s wealth and turns it into homosexuality. That kind of ultra-conservative.) You would be surprised how many organizations can recombine the words America, Angels, Children, and United. I know I was. Eventually, I moved and somehow many of these organizations lost touch with me.
Until six months ago. I began receiving phone calls from United American Technologies (or a non-profit associated with them, I’m still not sure.) UAT is a phone company. But unlike other phone companies they answer to God. And do you know who God dislikes? Their competitors. Do you know why? They support ills of all kinds—homosexuality, The ACLU, pornography, child pornography, and super-porn (a disgusting form of porn that degrades all kinds of heroes, from teachers to magic crime-fighters.)
I thought most people wouldn’t believe this company was real. But it is. And I recorded my phone calls with them as proof. This is the second time they called me. They had introduced themselves to me once before, and though the first time I was shocked, this time I decided to agree with them.
This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on September 22, 2005