Exclusive: David Lee Roth’s Letter to the Staff of the Howard Stern Radio Show



“And you are Battlecat!”

Riff Raff Classified Documents Series, #4

To: Staff of the Howard Stern Radio Show
From: David Lee Roth (your new boss!)
Re: Some Changes
Date: October 26, 2005

Dear Staff,

By now you’ve heard that I, David Lee Roth, have been appointed Howard Stern’s successor for the Howard Stern Radio Show.

Maybe some of you read about it in the papers; others of you may have just seen me renovating Stern’s office, replacing his furniture with six Marshall stack amps I like to call my “musical desk,” and his iMac with a collection of vintage guitars I plan on assembling into the shape of the internet. How can I get on the internet, you ask, without the use of a “computer mouse”? Hey, here’s a question for you: Who thought of calling that thing a mouse anyway, am I right? What’s next, younger men having sex with older women and posting their exploits on websites? I bet they call it a mouse because it looks like a mouse.

All I’m saying is: You have nothing to worry about with me, and things aren’t going to change at all. I may not be the King of All Media, but I am the King of Allmusic. Take a look at that website and type in “David Lee Roth”–yeah that’s right, I’ve influenced over ten different bands.

And after several hours of discussing this with some EMT friends of mine, I’ve even decided to keep calling the show the “Howard Stern Radio Show.” I know that sounds incredibly modest, especially after considering several fantastic suggestions, including ” The Howard Stern Radio Show presented by David Lee Roth,” the “David Lee Rothio Show,” and my personal favorite, “Diamond Dave’s Diamondz.” The “diamondz” would have referred to the high quality conversations I would have with guests on the show.

But let’s just keep “Diamond Dave’s Diamondz,” which I would have nicknamed “D-cubed,” to ourselves. Diamonds, as they say, are forever, just like the original name of this show.

But will the Howard Stern Radio Show remain as provocative? Can DLR–that’s me–KIT–that’s “keep it titty”–? Well I’ll admit I’m not as interested in women having sex with other women as Mr. Stern was–in fact, I didn’t even realize this was a thing people could do.

But I’ll try my best here. Instead of people calling in and making orgasm sounds on the phone, maybe now we’ll also talk to them about the real issues–about how orgasms are destroying our country. Instead of Jerry Seinfeld coming on the show and us ridiculing him mercilessly, maybe we’ll let him tell us a few jokes–maybe I still think that guy’s pretty goddamn hilarious. Maybe instead of lesbians who make out with other lesbians (again, wow–fucking wow), we’ll have the two Van Halen brothers in the office, bickering like they always fucking do, and I’ll get angry and try kill one of them.

If none of that works, we have a secret weapon: Sammy “the Jokeman” Hagar. I’ve seen this guy say things backstage that were so funny he should have been arrested. Need some evidence? Here’s a joke he wrote especially for this letter:

A man walks into bar and looks at the jukebox–all the records in it are by Tom Petty and the Hearbreakers. “Hey,” he says, “Do you have any other records besides Tom Petty in this jukebox?” “No,” said the bartender. “It’s a jewkebox.” –by Sammy Hagar

Most people don’t know that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were Jewish. But have no fear. This transition’s going to be painfree. It’s not like I’m going to say “Jump!” and you’re gonna say “How high?” If anything, it’s going to be me saying “Jamie’s crying,” and you’re gonna say, “whah whuuuuh”–but in a funny guitar voice.

See you December!

David Lee Roth