Better than Eternal Sunshine
Get Rich or Die Tryin’ starring 50 Cent
Exclusive Plot Synopsis
Yesterday Pete L’Official and I attended an advance screening of Get Rich Or Die Tryin’, which loosely recounts the life story of its star, the rapper Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson. Thing was, we weren’t allowed into the theater with cell phones and laptops, and for moral reasons, I absolutely refuse to attend press screenings of major motion pictures without the equipment necessary to bootleg these films to the internet.
But that didn’t stop me from doing the next best thing: standing by the door of the theater and taking notes on what I thought was happening in the movie. Below is a brief plot summary of what to expect come tomorrow when this movie becomes without a doubt the first movie ever to star 50 Cent:
Get Rich begins with a truck driving on the streets. A rap song is playing on the speakers, and there is some gangster rapping involved. 50 Cent is in the car but it is unclear whether he is rapping himself or just rapping along. The other people in the car talk a little but mostly keep quiet because they want to hear 50’s rhymes. Lloyd Banks starts complaining about something and wants the driver (Young Buck? his face is concealed) to pull over. They get out of the car, shoot guns five times, then rap seven times–but was it all a dream?
Flashback to the early days in the hood. 50 Cent is in a different car, this time with a woman. He is 11 and they are driving to the club. On the way there 50 Cent raps three times, then sees a man pretending to swim in a dumpster full of trash. 50 Cent asks the woman, who has a sorta hoarse voice but is probably pretty nice once you get to know her, if they can stop over and help this man, who has just climbed up to the ledge of the dumpster and cannonballed back into the trash. She complains but ultimately understands where 50 Cent is coming from.
50 gets out and accosts the man. “Yo what you looking for?” asks 50, inquisitively. The man surfaces from the trash, but now he is wearing an orange bucket on his head, with the metal handle in his mouth. “Should I wear this thing on my head?” asks the man. “Yes,” says 50, averting crisis. “And farewell! I am going to college.”
At college 50 Cent shows up and meets his roommates Mobb Deep and the Game. He likes all of them, despite their different cultures, and they decide to form a book club with the other people on their floor. Mobb Deep hold deep reservations about meta-fiction, whereas Game embraces it fully–and this is where the movie starts getting juicy.
Eventually 50 Cent gives up on the book club. He is concerned academia has grown too disconnected from the public sphere–friends writing for friends in journals only a few people read anyway. 50 also expresses his general tiredness with the frat scene, but more importantly, he misses his friends from back home: Yayo, Spider Loc, Olivia, and the friendships he formed over instant messenger, such as with YoungBuck38 and JadaKissMy94. Originally 50 had decided to turn off instant messenger at college because he felt it would keep him away from his studies.
Right around this point I had to use the bathroom, then got some Goobers on the way back. The ending of Get Rich is pretty confusing, but decide for yourself: It sounds like M.O.P. and Mase are hanging out at White Castle, rapping but mostly just talking about rapping. I’m assuming they’ve already finished their meals. Inexplicably some asshole rapper name Jigsaw (sp?) comes in and starts roughing up Mase, and also kidnaps a bunch of rap fans in the restaurant and takes them to a secret labyrinth underneath a mountain (wtf?). People are screaming, but not because they love Jigsaw, but maybe because Jigsaw’s voice sounds a little like Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids on the Block. The movie just sorta ends. Is 50 Cent joining New Kids on the Block? There will be a sequel.