After 50 Cent’s Get Rich or Die Tryin’ made an unimpressive box-office debut at #4, behind Jumanji 2 and that Jennifer Aniston movie that no one wants to see, the future of semi-autobiographical rapper movies is in doubt. And that’s a shame; we may never any of the amazing projects currently in development. Today, Status Ain’t Hood bites Riff Raff’s style and offers a small sampling of the rappers whose almost-true projects may never come to a theater near you.
Ludacris. In Criminal Conduct, a young Chris Bridges lands a dream gig interning at Atlanta’s most popular rap radio station. He soon impresses station higher-ups with his quick wit and work ethic and finds himself promoted to on-air talent, hosting a Sunday night show. Unfortunately, Bridges’ producers pair him with a virulently racist white DJ, played by Paul Rudd, who has inexplicably advanced to rap-industry prominence despite his vocal hatred of all nonwhite people. Bridges and Rudd slowly come to respect each other after a series of loud and racially-charged confrontations, until Rudd finally sees the error of his ways and tearfully agrees to help Bridges land an audition with Def Jam records. Omar Benson Miller plays the fat sidekick, and Sam Mendes directs.
Paul Wall. In Houston Homicide, deranged maniac Paul Slayton escapes from a Houston mental ward after strangling five guards with his dental floss. He rises quickly to the top of Houston’s drug underground after viciously murdering every reigning drug kingpin in town. With all his competition dead, Slayton soon tires of the drug trade and decides to break into the rap game, recording his first crude demos while sitting on his throne of skulls and sipping his enemies’ blood from a styrofoam goblet. Slayton also finds a lucrative side-hustle by selling the torn-out platinum-adorned teeth of those who have displeased him. Omar Benson Miller plays the fat sidekick, and Lasse Halstrom directs.
Stack Bundles. In Stack Bundles: The Movie, Stack Bundles brainstorms for 117 minutes straight, attempting to think of a better rap name than “Stack Bundles.” He never succeeds. Omar Benson Miller plays the fat sidekick, and Richard Linklater directs.
Aesop Rock. In Beetles Chew Through Megabomb Slinkees, alien biopsy graffiti dope-shit squirrels jump through hoops while crazy rapper ugly bastard oil-slick jerks shoot off penicillin bullets into marble-gray clouds. Grimy gurgle metal fly yellow Lamborghinis cruise solar-system marbles underneath underground phony police-car fire-ant vultures. The universe expands into Jody Watley’s iPod. Omar Benson Miller plays the fat sidekick, and Robert Zemekis directs.
Master P. In Like, Um, Maybe Scotty Pippen, a 38-year-old fading Southern-rap mogul with a solid-gold house finds a pair of magical sneakers that may have once belonged to someone who was a lot like Michael Jordan but was definitely not Michael Jordan. He gives the shoes to his kiddie-rapper son (Lil Romeo), who uses the shoes to achieve NBA stardom, even though that’s not possible with the new age restrictions and everything. The mogul then says fuck it, steals the shoes, and becomes an NBA star himself while his son cries and cries. Omar Benson Miller plays the fat sidekick, and Michel Gondry directs.
Tony Yayo. In Get Your Hustle On, Tony Yayo plays videogames, picks up his laundry, and eats a bean burrito. Omar Benson Miller plays the fat sidekick, and David O. Russell directs.