IN THE WHIP
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G-Unit’s 50 Cent Plans Line of Sex Toys
Rapper 50 Cent is planning to release his own new line of condoms and sex toys.
The star, who already has a clothing line and a range of energy drinks, is planning to branch out into the lucrative sex market--even creating a vibrator that looks just like him.
50 tells GQ magazine, "I need to make a 50 Cent condom, and a motorized version of me.
"A motorized version of me will definitely have to be waterproof, so you could utilize it in the tub. A lot of them (vibrators) aren't waterproof.
"Blue is my favorite color, so it would probably be blue. But I don't know how big. I don't know if big is better because I'm not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo.
"But I want to do something like that, to create something that's popular and exciting sexually for women."
I fancy myself an expert on all things 50 Cent–somehow I missed this sex toy stuff though. Hey, why isn’t the entire world talking about the 50 Cent-shaped dildo right now? “A motorized version of me“–why isn’t this every college kid’s away message for the next five years?
As the holidays roll in and the non-50 Cent motorboat dildos roll out, Riff Raff would like to remind you all of the following G-Unit related sex toys, possibly slated for this holiday season.
[note to my mom who is reading this: there are curse words]
- Gangsta Beads. Not content with the pleasure of standard issue anal beads, 50 Cent has designed his Gangsta Beads with showmanship in mind. The beads are lightly doused in gun powder, such that when they are ripped out from a partner’s opening, it sounds like a civil war cannon.
- The G-Unit Spot. Fifty recently commissioned a few scientists to look into the possibility of installing a digital, internet-enabled g-spot into a woman, called the G-Unit Spot. When activated, the G-Unit Spot would shout “GGGGG-G-Unit!” five times into her womb, then automatically download the latest DJ Whoo Kid podcast; scientists are still trying to figure out whether or not this would actually be pleasurable.
- The Original Tony Yayo Bucket Hat. The entry-level Tony Yayo Bucket Hat is possibly the world’s first sex toy headgear, designed such that, if in the middle of play you start to lose energy, just take off the bucket hat; hiding inside is an emergency sandwich.
- Tony Yayo Bucket Hat Deluxe. The TYBH Deluxe is designed for rugged outdoorsy types–the kind who need sex toys in all types of weather conditions. The Deluxe is a fitted cap, attached to the head such that when it is removed, it inflates into an air mattress, or a raft.
- Tony Gayo Condoms. Marketed as the gangsta condom for the gay community, the Gayos will surely compete for sales with G-Unit’s fiercest market competitor The Game’s condoms, a/k/a Gaymes.
- G-Unit Soldier. Not a sex toy per se, the G-Unit Soldier is an actual U.S. Army-trained soldier you can rent to stand watch by your door; he is waterproof.
- Fortyplay. Because before 50 Cent comes… 40 Cent, a unique brand of foreplay (hence “Fortyplay”) as designed by G-Unit. While Fortyplay sounds confusing at first, it’s basically just a plastic bag with the fake moustache 50 Cent wore in Get Rich or Die Tryin’.