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Juvenile Wants to Punch a Baby in the Mouth?



When this baby grows up, Juvenile has it coming

In a exclusive, the New Orleans rapper Juvenile said he’s so angry at his former label Cash Money Records, he wants to punch a baby in the mouth.

The outburst–and potential punch?–precedes Juvenile’s next LP, entitled Reality Check, which features contributions from Mannie Fresh, Scott Storch, Ludacris, and Fat Joe–and no contributions from babies. Inexplicably, nobody’s upset about this.

So I’ll bite: Why would Juvenile punch a baby? Probably because when you punch a baby, it makes a funny noise that sounds like rapping. But why punch a baby in the mouth? Probably because when you punch a baby in the mouth, sometimes it nibbles on your fingers. But wouldn’t the baby cry a lot? Probably not–unless it’s one of those wimpy babies (a dog).

Then again, maybe Juvenile is stuck in the metaphorical here–maybe this isn’t an actual punch, but a crazy punch. Maybe, as three paragraphs in I’m beginning to suspect, Juvenile is “punching” babies for a special baby fraternity, membership to which is limited to Juvenile, Tony Yayo, and 45 of the awesomest, most punchable babies. The babies’ moms can also join if they want.

Now Juvenile, if you remember, was behind that great song from 1999, “Back That Azz Up.” So let’s take his cue here, and “back up” to the part “azzbout” him punching a baby. Which baby will go first? Will he go after a baby that nobody cares about–to prove a point about how angry he is–or will he go after a celebrity baby, such as the famous dancing baby–to prove how adept he is with CGI graphics? Keep in mind that Juvenile would not only have to hack the code for the dancing baby, but would also have to synch his own punch to the beat of “Give It To Me Baby”–and we all know what “it” is. No but seriously, if he punches the dancing baby I’ll probably be pretty sad.

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