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Exclusive: Lil Kim Tops 2005’s Least Successful Tours



Lil Kim blows kisses to Gawker readers

U2=Most Successful Tour 2005; Lil Kim=Least?

$260mil in tickets, 3 million people at 90 sold-out shows, U2’s “Vertigo” tour easily topped this year’s list of most money-making concert tours, according to Billboard. The Eagles, Neil Diamond, Kenny Chesney, Paul McCartney, and several other old guys bands did well too.

While we wait for the sales figures from the Rolling Stones’ “A Bigger Bang” tour to come in (and presumably knock U2 down a notch), let’s take a moment to recognize 2005’s least money-grossing tours:

Lil Kim. Still on tour, Lil Kim goes from one corner of her cell to another singing “Lighters Up” and occasionally “Lighters Up (Reggaeton Remix),” which is “Lighters Up” with a very pronounced lisp. Pretending cinder blocks are her fans, she sometimes holds a lighter up near the block as if the block is holding the lighter, then gets taken to a nearby hospital for burning her finger.

Experimental Laptop Artist Criz Houston. Houston’s 11-month tour made stops in Houston’s kitchen, Houston’s bedroom, and Houston’s friend Simeon’s kitchen, which is just Houston’s name for his refridgerator. The tour cost Houston over 1200 sandwiches.

Boombox Artist Colin Jost. Earlier this year Jost toured from the Staten Island Ferry stop all the way to the top of Manhattan while carrying an enormous boombox on his shoulder–not only did he eat a lot of pizza on the way, but he didn’t even sell a single t-shirt.

Tourette’s Syndrome. Far from grossing money, this “Tour” continues to cost men and women millions of dollars in hospital bills and prescription drugs. Find out more here.

My Brother Ben. Ben’s teeth are just the slightest bit crooked, such that when he talks it sounds like he’s whistling the riff from Edgar Winter’s “Frankenstein.” It’s sort of humiliating, but when he toured the neighborhood this past Halloween, he got a lot of extra candy.

Real Wolf Eyes. Reports have been coming in for months now that a man who calls himself Real Wolf Eyes has lost millions of dollars in false identity suits; apparently Real Wolf Eyes would beat the Sub Pop band of the same name to a gig, get up on stage with a cardboard box filled with actual wolf eyes, then pelt the audience with them while rapping the theme from Fresh Prince.

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