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FM Radio: Tune In, or You’re Racist



Video: Why Eugene Won’t Shut Up and Rock

Last May I got a call from a company in Atlanta about a video I made where I am a robot with lots of different skills (incredible strength, ability to feel emotions, etc). One of my biggest claims was that I had a radio in my finger that had more music than iTunes. That’s quite a claim (as a robot I could make it though).

As we all know digital music is scaring the shit out of record companies and radio stations and redefining how we get music. They’re afraid of losing all their profits (and Thai sex vacations don’t grow on trees, except in Thailand—but still for a fee). This Atlanta company believed that the concept that a radio station had more music and variety in it’s “finger” than you could on an iPod or computer would be a great campaign for new stations (JACK FM, MIKE FM, THE WOLF, etc.) They asked me if while on tour I would stop by for a few hours and record some stuff. I was hesitant at first and then agreed to do it (because we still use money in this century I’d need it for food, shelter, plus I am saving up for two helicopters—one to sleep in and one to throw out. However, I look forward to the future when we’re all self-actualized and the only people turning tricks are simply those hookers who see it as a fulfillment of their destiny. We can dream, can’t we, 2064?)

I went in to their studio and improvised for an hour or so and they edited about 10 or 12 ads, I believe. That sort of thing makes me nervous, at times (like the VH1 talking head stuff where they can edit you to look like a douche bag. I did one of those VH1 shows a few years ago called “Robbing the Cradle”—where I talked about age-gapped celebrity relationships I knew nothing about. The only other time I went in to VH1 was for some sort of comparison show they were trying to do, where they’d ask you—”Who’s more Jewish, Madonna or Britney Spears” or “Who’s more ‘black,’ Michael Jackson or Justin Timberlake?” And I said, “You know that Michael Jackson is on trial for raping a child?” And they didn’t have me back.)

A few months later I found out that various stations bought the ads. I would periodically get e-mails from strangers like, “Are you doing something for the Wolf?” (My personal favorite, since at the time, I did not know what “The Wolf” was. It is apparently a wolf-themed radio station, run by wolves that were raised as human. America! You are quite a melting pot to allow anthropomorphized wolves to have a media outlet.)

Anyway, some of the radio-robot ads they made are funny and some have an announcer that says “Shut up and rock!” I personally would never tell anyone to shut up and rock, which is probably why they had another man do that. I don’t actually know which ads air in which cities. Still, they were nice and gave me the footage to use as well, and I have made my own versions. Here are some of the ads I made.

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