If you’re looking for the perfect date movie to celebrate Gay Pride, do yourself a favor: Rent some good porn and stay the hell away from Ethan Green. Flat characters and speech-bubble dialogue are to be expected when they’re based on a comic strip—in this case, Eric Orner’s long-running alt-weekly staple but trust me, you’d be better off with Family Circus. A needy, serial-dating schlemiel, Ethan sometimes exudes a certain spineless charm on the page. Here, he’s a shallow, self-sabotaging mess—and so’s the movie, which unspools as a blur of vapid exes, seamy fuck buddies, and Mom (Meredith Baxter, looking very uncomfortable). Daniel Letterle’s Ethan is much too cute to pass as an unlovable loser, but Richard Riehle and Joel Brooks are perfectly cast as his “aunties,” the Hat Sisters. Unfortunately, they’re not enough to save this most unfabulous, unfunny, and unwatchable embarrassment.