I like movies.
Look, I know I’m reaching here. This is a music blog, and the MTV Movie Awards are obviously not music awards. But it has musical guests, and every rapper who’s appeared in a movie in the past year gets to make an appearance, and the M in MTV still stands for Music unless they changed it to Made when no one was looking. Besides, I need something to write about today, and this probably has more to do with music than game one of the NBA finals, which is what I’d much rather be watching. So here we go, pre-show and everything.
8:32: T.I.‘s white-on-black-on-black suit game is just magnificent. He’s making a strong run at the Best-Dressed Rapper title. As a matter of fact, he probably already has it. I can’t think of a single other rapper I’d honestly call well-dressed these days.
8:33: Anthony Miccio has already made note of this, but the way Fall Out Boy treats its singer is really weird. He writes all the melodies, and his hooks are the only reason the band is any good. But the bass player is better-looking even if he dresses like a fourth-grade transvestite, and he writes the wack-ass lyrics, so he gets to talk between songs onstage and host the Movie Awards preshow? What the fuck is that? The singer needs to assert himself. He also needs to cut off those nasty-ass sideburns. I’m rambling.
8:34: Rihanna also gets to co-host. She looks really good and talks like she’s recovering from a serious vodka-and-Quaaludes bender.
8:36: Suchin Pak acts like she’s doing us all a big favor by showing us a clip from Pirates of the Carribean 2. She also makes a big deal out of having a dress made by the Project Runway guy, like anyone cares. (Does anyone care?)
8:42: Rihanna manages to mangle the pronunciation of the word “Keanu.”
8:44: Another clip. Miami Vice looks pretty good! Jamie Foxx acts all badass by comparing blood spatters to Jackson Pollock. Yeah, I’ll go see that.
8:44: Hayden Christensen is a bitch. His appearance does, however, lead me to wonder who’s going to play me in Shattered Sylvester. I’m pulling for the guy who plays Sawyer on Lost because I want people to think I go around saying “well, lookee here” all the time. (I’ve made this joke in public like fifty times now. Nick probably wants to punch me in the neck.)
8:55: The guy playing Superman looks extremely WB (or I guess now extremely CW). That movie looks badass.
8:56: Wolfmother is done. If their Afro frontman guy can’t manage to sound remotely comfortable doing a 15-second interview with Sway, then what the fuck can he do?
8:59: The celebrity pre-show co-hosts say goodbye. Rihanna is about a foot taller than Pete Wentz, which makes sense.
9:01: In the opening skit, Topher Grace threatens to shoot Flavor Flav with a water guy full of piss. It’s pretty funny! Maybe you had to be there.
9:04: Now Bridget says she doesn’t get why anyone thinks Jessica Alba is so hot. She says she’s just generic. Whatever.
9:05: In the opening comedy-bit, Andy Samberg plays the guy who invented Google, and he tells Jessica Alba she’s the most Googled person in the world. This show is already funnier than the entire last MTV Movie Awards I watched (I can’t remember which one that was). Bridget and her friend Megan continue to talk smack about Jessica Alba.
9:08: Three people from Superman present an award together. They all seem pretty awkward interacting with each other. That can’t be a good sign.
9:10: The Best Hero category is so weak and diluted that Kate Beckinsale is nominated for Underworld: Evolution. Christian Bale, the only justifiable nominee, wins, so that’s something. He’s wearing fingerless gloves. He is drunk.
9:18: Should I know who Amanda Bynes and Anna Faris are? Because I don’t.
9:20: Ali G’s fiancee wins Breakthrough Performance for The Wedding Crashers. She is crazy attractive. Bridget and Megan say snarky things about her dress. This is what I get for watching TV with girls.
9:21: At Summer Jam, Jamie Foxx would come out beatboxing whenever he introduced another act, and he introduced like fifteen acts. Four days later, he’s still beatboxing. Consistency!
9:23: Mr. and Mrs. Smith beats Kong vs. the planes for Best Fight. That’s fucked up.
9:24: The Mavericks are up two! ABC is using some weird swing-revival music when it goes to commercial. Go Mavs.
9:30: Justin Timberlake and Eva Mendes make played-out Brokeback Mountain jokes. Mendes is making a pretty good attempt at becoming Rosario Dawson.
9:32: Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger win Best Kiss. Ledger isn’t there, which frees Gyllenhaal from the obligatory Best Kiss acceptance-speech revisiting.
9:35: Jimmy Fallon is looking disconcertingly Michael Jackson-esque these days. Someone has the bright idea of putting him onscreen with Andy Dick in a Da Vinci Code parody. Nobody needed to see that.
9:42: Borat is onstage! I guess he’s now officially more popular than Ali G.
9:44: I haven’t really written anything about Gnarles Barkley yet, and that’s because I’m still not entirely sure what I think of them. Rap dudes are mad at them because they’re rap-not-rap, and indie-rock bloggers seem to love them because they’re rap-not-rap. I’ve only listened to the album a couple of times, and it seems pretty meh, but that puts it ahead of virtually every rap-not-rap album ever. It’s certianly a whole hell of a lot better than The Love Below or Kamaal the Abstract, and it’s better than the first Cee-Lo solo album but not as good as the second one. I’m still mad at it for distracting Cee-Lo from the Goodie Mob reunion (though I’m not sure anything good would really come out of such a reunion) and for only having one really good song. But that song, “Crazy,” is the one they’re doing right now, so I guess I can’t be too mad. Also, they’re dressed as Star Wars characters, which is pretty good as these gimmicks go. The dedication is admirable; the drummer’s Chewbacca costume is just about perfect.
9:48: Miami is up nine? When did that happen? Bridget clarifies that she is not a hater of pretty people, which is true. She says Megan is, though. Megan has gone back to her apartment, so she can’t defend herself.
9:52: Matt Dillon looks more and more like Johnny Drama every time I see him; it’s getting eerie. Dillon must totally hate his brother right now.
9:54: Hayden Christensen wins Best Villain? I call bullshit. He gave the single worst lead performance I’ve ever seen in a big-budget movie, and that’s saying something.
9:59: Jessica Alba proves me empirically right by winning Sexiest Performance.
10:03: Miami is still up seven. Guh.
10:06: I still actively hate Adam Sandler, even after renting the Undeclared DVDs and everything. He does nothing to pacify me.
10:08: Jake Gyllenhaal wins Best Performance, which means Brokeback Mountain is now on track to win more MTV Awards than Oscars. This is a truly baffling twist.
10:10: Jessica plays a drunk realtor in a King Kong parody? Deeply inexplicable.
10:13: If pop stars want to make jazz-inspired music, that’s fine, but do they really need to get a bunch of backup dancers to wear fake-ass swing-revival costumes and pretend to play horns? Whatever, I really like this new Christina Aguilera song. DJ Premier should do more up-tempo pop stuff.
10:18: Miami’s lead cut to three. Nice.
10:25: Two years ago, Will Ferrell showed up in Anchorman Ron Burgundy character and costume and did a whole bunch of truly unfunny skits, leading me to think the movie would be a turd. It turned out to be the funniest movie of the last five years. Tonight, he shows up in full Ricky Bobby regalia, and he’s once again not funny, so I guess that movie will be great too.
10:30: LL Cool J looks more and more like a dipshit everyday. He’s giving Do the Right Thing some kind of honorary award. That movie is just about perfect, but since when does MTV give out honorary movie awards? The trophy is big enough that I can’t imagine Spike Lee can actually lift it. Spike thanks Public Enemy, which leads to a jarring and depressing shot of Flavor Flav standing up in the crowd in a huge plastic Burger King crown.
10:39: Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock attempt a severely Everybody Loves Raymond comedy bit. Oof.
10:43: Shockingly enough, Dane Cook is not given opportunity to be funny. The next time MTV calls, he should really just hang up the phone.
10:44: I mentioned this briefly in my Bamboozle post, but I saw AFI in a Baltimore garage nine years ago when their name stood for Asking For It and not A Fire Inside and Davey Havok had a shaved-head/Tintin-tuft haircut. They were just a really good West Coast skatecore band then, and they were opening for the Pee Tanks, the best Maryland punk band ever. In high school, my friend Nat and I used to roll around Baltimore in his Volvo jamming Very Proud of Ya nonstop. Then I stopped paying attention, and AFI turned into some weird fascistic future-goth androids and blew the fuck up, and I’m still deeply bewildered every time I see what they’ve turned into. Anyway, this new single is pretty good. They get showered in glittery confetti, and some random dude runs onstage for a stage-dive. Good enough!
10:48: Dallas up five! Jyeah!
10:52: Rosario Dawson is in Clerks 2? What’s that about?
10:54: I didn’t see The Exorcism of Emily Rose, and I never heard of Jennifer Carpenter, but she just won something.
10:57: Jim Carrey is winning a lifetime achievement award. I really hate Jim Carrey. Have you watched a Fire Marshall Bill skit lately? They aren’t funny. He was never funny; he just tricked a nation of fourth-graders into thinking he was by pretending to cut his own fingers off and shit. Remember when they gave this award to Chewbacca?
10:59: Jim Carrey comes out dressed all in white and surrounded by angels. He’s still not funny.
11:00: Isn’t this supposed to be over by now? It’s not over.
11:08: Dallas is up one. Crap, this looks like a good game, and I’m missing it.
11:09: MTV had a film festival or something. Zach Braff is yelling about it.
11:10: Samuel L. Jackson guarantees that Snakes on a Plane will win Best Movie next year. “The new James Bond? Ain’t no snakes in that!” OK, that’s funny.
11:12: All the nominees for Best Movie are actually good movies, except The Wedding Crashers, which is like half a good movie. The Wedding Crashers wins, of course. Whatever. Now I can watch basketball.