Stuff You Need to Know This Week in Order to Avoid Ostracism


Economic Indicator

The ignoble demise of Tower Records.

Funeral bouquets of plastic flowers will be manufactured for a dime apiece and retail at $18.99.

Cathartic Band Breakup

The drug-addled demise of the Darkness.

Contrary to prior belief, one cannot snort cocaine ironically.

TV Party

Randy Newman singing “Political Science” on The Colbert Report.

A satirical meeting of the minds so cataclysmically sarcastic the entire studio audience was rendered sterile.

Transcendent Concert Experience

Randy Newman singing “Short People” at Carnegie Hall and joking that he planned to shoot up during the intermission.

A performance so jarring and splendid the entire audience was rendered immortal.

Rancorous Public Feud

The notion that someone paid thousands of dollars for a ticket just so he could heckle Barbra Streisand.

Oddly comforting.

Technological Marvel

The Internet’s abysmal failure to produce a halfway-decent Blood Brothers song title generator.

Just rig a fill-in-the-blanks form combining naive childlike whimsy with unimaginable violence, e.g., “You’re the Dream Unicorn” or “Set Fire to the Face on Fire.” (Gonna be hard to beat “Huge Gold AK-47” though.)

Internet Distraction

The way Rick James says “What you got against Shawwwwwn Cassidy?” in the “Battle of the Album Covers” video.

Better impression than Dave Chapelle.

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