The Gamer Before Christmas


‘Twas the Gamer before Christmas, and all through the rooms,

Not a game was being played, not even Mario and his ‘shrooms.

Some kids were chill, playing a 360 or DS

While those with the PlayStation 3 had that wild “Resistance” stress.

But the Gamer’s girl with her Parappa hat, and the Gamer in his Halo shirt

Had watched their gaming laptop die with a whine and a sickening spurt.

Then, Yo, in the driveway came a crash and thunder

Sounded like Lara Croft was rented asunder.

Away to the window he flew like The Flash

While you’re at it, said Gamer’s girl, take out the trash.

There in the spotlight of an airship helicopter

Was a trio of men in suits like high-class robber early adopters.

The snow was pristine, just a few inches of flakes

And those dudes danced salsa like they ate some marijuana cakes.

Who were these three guys who drove up in a limo

Decked with Christmas lights, pimped with Genji, Viva Pinata. and Mario?

They argued and carried consoles like the three king folk,

They talked fast and debated over which system was the big joke.

Then up in the purple sky, high above the mulberry tree

Leered fat, ole Cid from Final Fantasy, in particular FF III.

Cid whistled and wailed and then called them out:

Peter Moore, Reggie Fils-Aime, Kaz Hirai, this ain’t what Christmas is about.

On the door came some taps, some knocks, and some raps.

The Gamer and Gamer girl got their guns in a snap.

Gamer opened the door to deal with the matter,

His gun raised to stop their incessant, executive chatter.

Moore said “We’ve got presents” and gave up his 360

Fils-Aime gave the Wii to add to the festivity.

Then Hirai brought in the PlayStation 3, the very last one

And out from the limo came games by the ton.

Cid came down the chimney, a nod to St. Nick

Landing flat on his butt and hard like a brick.

He used a spell to rid his round face of the ash

In his airship he took everyone to a big dinner bash

Where Beyonce, Britney, and Eminem sang with three bands

But Gamer and Gamer girl had those twitchy gamer hands.

Before the encore they left for their crib where they played

Late into the night and well into Christmas Day.

They invited to the living room everyone that they could.

The poor, the infirm, all the geeks from the ‘hood.

They thanked the execs for all the prime stuff

And for not arguing on Christmas with their raging fisticuffs.

Then to his airship Cid convened for yet another Final Fantasy

The gamers below drained Visine by the canteen, but they gamed free and easy.

Copyright 2006 by Harold Goldberg

This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on December 19, 2006

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