ARIES (March 21–April 19): You will soon uncover evidence that a seemingly innocuous hot dog vendor is actually creating an army of cyborgs in the sewer system under the streets. You will also make a citizen’s arrest of a grandmother who’s embezzling money from a children’s charity to support her gambling habit. And in the most shocking development of all, you’ll develop the psychic power to exorcise evil spirits that are threatening to demonically possess the Internet. APRIL FOOL! Your imminent future will be interesting, but not
that interesting. More importantly, it will be interesting in distinctly non-pathological, unhysterical ways. Your adventures will revolve around healing, fun, and education, not trouble, danger, and chaos.
TAURUS (April 20–May 20): You should make Feral Cheryl your role model. She’s the anti-Barbie—a pierced, dreadlocked, tattooed doll. She owns no stiletto heels, designer handbags, or cheerleader outfits. Her only accessory is a stash of homegrown herbs. A student of spiritual anarchy, she’s a free-thinking activist who rejects all “isms.” Be like Feral Cheryl, Taurus. APRIL FOOL! I’d never try to talk you into regarding a 13-inch-tall plastic doll as your role model, no matter how cool she might be. But I do suggest you adopt some version of Feral Cheryl’s motto: “Love simply, live amply, run wild.”
GEMINI (May 21–June 20): After meditating on the omens, I can’t decide whether it’s more accurate to say “This week will suck” or “This week will blow.” APRIL FOOL! While it’s true that your imminent experiences may resemble the kinds of pleasure that one human being can give another through a masterful use of the mouth and tongue, “suck” and “blow” have too many negative connotations to use them as metaphors. Let’s say instead that the coming week will lick and slurp and drool.
CANCER (June 21–July 22): Soon the Lord will return and handpick 144,000 saintly people to ascend with him into his perfectly hygienic gated community on a flying saucer where all the bathroom fixtures are gold and the Internet is contained in magic miniature iPhones that the lucky 144,000 will have implanted in their brains for instant access to the Lord’s brain 24/7. And get this:
You will be one of the 144,000! APRIL FOOL! The truth is, the Lord has already returned to Earth in the form of a 14-year-old girl who lives in the Hell’s Kitchen part of New York City, and we’re all living in paradise at this very moment. So no, there are no 144,000 saints who’ll get extra-special privileges. But the coming week will be very lucky for you, and you will enjoy at least one wonderful new perk.
LEO (July 23–Aug. 22): Here are the five most popular fortunes in fortune cookies: (1) “Your present plans are going to succeed.” (2) “Good news will come to you from far away.” (3) “Now is the time to try something new.” (4) “Your love life will be happy and harmonious.” (5) “The next can of tuna fish you open will have a million-dollar diamond inside.” All five of these fortunes happen to be accurate predictions for you in the coming week. APRIL FOOL! Your imminent future looks great, but not that great. At most, only three of those five fortunes will come true for you.
VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): One out of every 20 people claims to have talked to the devil personally. That statistic could change in the coming week, however, because I’m predicting that many of you Virgos will sit down for a heart-to-heart with the horned one. For most of you, furthermore, the conversation will go surprisingly well. You’ll out-argue the devil, impressing him with your logic and winning him over with your charm, leading him to promise to dramatically reduce the number of insidious temptations he’ll send your way in the future. APRIL FOOL! There is no such thing as the devil. But it is true that you’re likely to triumph over evil in the coming week.
LIBRA (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Your assignment is to precisely identify every last one of your complexes, syndromes, and maladies. Toward that end, buy a copy of the 943-page book Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, and read it from beginning to end. APRIL FOOL! Don’t you know me any better than that? I would never encourage you to obsess over your pain. Here’s your real horoscope: Start writing your own version of the book How We Choose to Be Happy: The 9 Choices of Extremely Happy People. It’s high time you learned how to work your ass off to feel really good.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): Not to be confused with Alzheimer’s, “Alt.heimer’s” is a term that the Slang Dictionary defines as “a condition afflicting chronic hipsters who can no longer recall if they like something genuinely or ironically. Example: ‘As Ron stared at the hideous leather pants and retro Star Wars sheets he’d just purchased, he realized his Alt.heimer’s was advancing with terrifying speed.’ ” I bring this up, Scorpio, because you urgently need to determine whether you’re infected with Alt.heimer’s. APRIL FOOL! You don’t have Alt.heimer’s. But it is crucial that you take inventory of what things you genuinely like and what things you merely like ironically.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): This week’s mind-over-matter horoscope features the words of three notorious New Age
flakes: philosopher William James, essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Albert Einstein. First, James: “The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.” Emerson: “Intellect annuls fate. So far as a person thinks, he is free.” Einstein: “The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” APRIL FOOL! James, Emerson, and Einstein were not New Age flakes. They simply had ideas that were similar to those of New Age
flakes. So don’t dismiss their advice, especially now, when you can accomplish miracles by acting as if you have a potent role in creating your own reality.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Wealthy women in ancient Rome often filled their baths with perfumed swan fat and donkey milk. It would make perfect astrological sense if you did the same thing. The omens suggest that you should borrow old customs to enhance your health and appearance. APRIL FOOL! While it’s true that this is a good time to upgrade your health and appearance, there are better ways to do so than with swan fat and donkey milk. However, those two exotic substances are symbolically apt. You should cultivate influences that will enhance your grace and beauty as well as your stubborn strength and dogged persistence.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20—Feb. 18): On the caloric energy provided by just one 12-ounce bag of potato chips, you can think 550 thoughts, at least 10 percent of them good ones. That’s why I urge you to devour one such bag every day this week. The omens suggest that your brain is aching to churn out an explosion of big, fat thoughts. APRIL FOOL! Your brain will generate a multitude of ideas (at least 40 percent of them good ones) even if you dine on nothing but carrot juice and salad. You’re in the phase of your astrological cycle when your mind is magically hyperactive. You don’t need potato chips to be smart.
PISCES (Feb. 19—March 20): Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?” Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novocaine during a root canal? His goal: Transcend dental medication. A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead possums. The flight attendant stops her and says, “I’m sorry, ma’am, there’s only one carrion allowed per passenger.” APRIL FOOL! The preceding passage wasn’t your real horoscope, but rather a Zen koan designed to scramble your brain so that you’d be receptive to your real horoscope, which goes as follows: Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak. They were cold, so they lit a fire right there. The boat sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Homework Life is a bitch and then you die. APRIL FOOL! Here’s the truth: Life is conspiring to give you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it.