Shitty Band Promo #2: Broad Noodles


Ugh. We’ve been seeing these stickers all around the Brooklyn borough for a minute and finally couldn’t avoid them anymore, so we looked up the accompanying url and discovered that it was far worse than we thought. Sorry to do this to y’all, but they totally made us look and now we’ve gotta make you look. It’s just the way it is; we’re in this together.

Broad Noodles is a classless Coney Island band of lumpy metal dudes who think it’s hilarious to pose by signs that read ‘Big Wong,’ send people to Richard Simmons’ Web site from theirs, and call breasts “sweater meat” in a MySpace bulletin soliciting chest shots. They describe their sound as “Slayer vs. Dolly Parton in a farting match!” but really it’s just plain shit. At least two of their songs are about poontang, including one that’s rather explicit about one woman’s lack of hygiene, which is, I dunno, especially gross if you’re beer-bellied and ugly and lucky to be getting some, which of course couldn’t possibly be the situation with Broad Noodles because they’re so hot.

Spank Rock can rap all about Lindsay Lohan’s nether regions all he wants; it’s actually conceivable that that he might actually be in the same room with her. Lohan’s manager would probably call the cops if Broad Noodles showed up.

So, ah, yeah, they’re playing live at Crash Mansion later this month and you should probably stay off the Bowery that day. Maybe even the day after.