Put Your Paddle to the Metal


1. Balls of Fury is a movie about:

  1. A former table-tennis prodigy (Dan Fogler as Randy Daytona) enlisted by the FBI to infiltrate the underground Ping-Pong tournament of a legendary Chinese criminal (Christopher Walken).
  2. Suppository jokes.
  3. Nothing worth discussing and even less worth seeing.
  4. All of the above.

2. In his first leading role for the big screen, Fogler, a Tony Award–winning actor (The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee), can best be described as:

  1. A comedic genius.
  2. Killing time until his agent gets a call from Judd Apatow.
  3. A cross between Jack Black and Richard Simmons.

3. Because the FBI agent who approaches Randy is played by a Latino (George Lopez), he will be made to say:

  1. Maricón!”
  2. “¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!”
  3. “Nigga, pleez!”
  4. “Say hello to my little friend!”

4. When Randy undergoes intensive Ping-Pong training at the Happy Mu Shu Palace (“If Mu Shu fits, wear it!”), his guru, Wong (James Hong), offers the following inscrutable advice:

  1. “Be as the cricket.”
  2. “The cheeks cannot hold the smoke. That is what it is.”
  3. “Ping-Pong is not the Macarena.”
  4. “I miss you, Victor Wong.”

5. Are Chinese people funny?

  1. Yes.
  2. No.
  3. Totally, like with those weird little sticks they use to eat and everything!

6. As Feng, the criminal mastermind/Ping-Pong enthusiast, Walken can best be described as:

  1. A comedic genius.
  2. Killing time until his agent gets a call from Judd Apatow.
  3. Ka-ching, bitches!

7. When Feng’s Amazonian henchwoman offers the services of sex slaves to Randy, it’s funny because:

  1. They’re dudes!
  2. They’re dudes who scream like little girls!
  3. Oh, I get it: Sarcasm. Lighten up, homo.

8. Maggie Q co-stars as:

  1. A pair of breasts.
  2. A pair of breasts that know kung fu.
  3. Who’s Maggie Q?

9. Balls of Fury is best viewed:

  1. At the multiplex.
  2. On an airplane.
  3. Loaded.
  4. Never.

10. Balls of Fury is to The Sound and the Fury as:

  1. Freddy Got Fingered is to Finnegans Wake.
  2. Borat is to Austerlitz.
  3. Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle is to The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson.
  4. Superbad is to the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus.

11. Balls of Fury belongs in the tradition of:

  1. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, Blades of Glory.
  2. Enter the Dragon, Fists of Fury.
  3. The Karate Kid, Big Trouble in Little China.
  4. Wu Tang Forever.
  5. Ka-ching, bitches!

12. Balls of Fury was written by:

  1. Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant.
  2. A racist monkey.

13. Balls of Fury should have been directed by:

  1. Don’t hate—Mr. Garant did a lovely jo
  2. Stephen Chow.
  3. Jacques Rivett

14. This review is:

  1. As lazy as the movie under consideration.
  2. Lazier than the movie under consideration.

Bonus question

Which insufferable, waddle-ass “film critic” sitting behind me evidently found
Balls of Fury endlessly hilarious?

The first reader to answer each question correctly will receive a CD of Def Leppard’s Rock of Ages: The Definitive Collection, plus a gift certificate worth $40, good toward a table-tennis club or male escort of your choice. E-mail answers to The correct answers and winning entry will be announced on our website September 5.

This article from the Village Voice Archive was posted on August 21, 2007

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