This year-end column will undoubtedly be remembered when all of next year’s year-end columns come out. It will surely be called “the best, grandest, funniest, and most incisive year-end column about 2007.” Or, at least, it’ll be called the last year-end column about 2007. In the meantime, let’s just snuggle up and enjoy it.
The main reason the fashion crowd was furious about global warming and the way it’s been upsetting our ecology and killing off all the polar bears: They couldn’t wear their furs!
Words and phrases to retire: “tanorexic,” “back atcha!”, “cute from afar, but far from cute,” “Hillary: a Bush we can live with,” “brain fart,” “carbon-based life form,” “beauty is just a light switch away,” “works for me,” “there you go.”
The only reason they should have taken Britney‘s kids away from her: her VMA appearance! Oy!
Celebrity progress: Alec Baldwin left an abusive message for his daughter and it ended up all over the place, but his bitter ex-wife denied leaking it. Then David Hasselhoff was filmed by his
daughter being grossly drunk and the footage was somehow snuck to the media, but his bitter ex-wife denied leaking it. Finally, Duane “Dog” Chapman spewed the n-word and the tape somehow crept into the National Enquirer. His son yelped, “Yep! I sold it and made a freakin’ bundle!”
But this can’t be progress, can it?: For The Bucket List, Morgan Freeman went all the way from driving Miss Daisy to playing someone who’d been under a car as a mechanic all his life (though he also narrated, of course). And all in a tale about two old terminal cases skydiving for one last thrill. I needed a bucket all right.
The year in bimbo: Paris Hilton got a big jail sentence (though she generally only talks in short sentences), it was lessened for good behavior, she went to the clink but left because she didn’t like it very much, they forced her back in, she found God, she did
Larry King Live, and she was devastated when her image-rebuilding trip to Rwanda was canceled, but at least she got to keep hawking herperfume and clothing line. And now you’re up to date until the next emotional collision, kids.
And by the way, how was Paris’s appearance on Larry King Live just like the movie Knocked Up? Because you totally bought into every word of it, then once you started thinking about it, you shrieked, “Wait a TMZ minute! She reads the Bible religiously but can’t think of a single passage? She’s completely over partying and will instead devote herself to three vague charity causes? Come on!” (Or in the case of Knocked Up: “So the highly attractive woman went home with a troll, didn’t use proper protection, kept the baby, involved the troll in the birth, and fell in love with him? Uh-huh. And Larry Craig was just reaching for more toilet paper.”)
Most overrated movie: the boringly precious and annoyingly staccato Lars and the Real Girl. Really. But it’s tied with that crushingly earnest Reefer Madness of the green years, The 11th Hour. It made me want to use a lot of hairspray.
The Iraq situation is destroying our nation—with The Kingdom, In the Valley of Elah, Rendition, Lions for Lambs, and Grace Is Gone. Ow! Stop the bombing!
Most riveting channel: TLC, which has become a safe place for freaks and pinheads. I love its documentary shows about fatties, little people, and tattooed trollops. And I adored the one about conjoined sisters who drive, one with her only arm positioned on the right side of the wheel and the other with her sole arm on the left. These two have a driver’s license and I don’t? Who’s the freak, huh?
My favorite bit in the press kit for Margot at the Wedding: “When it came to casting Pauline, Noah Baumbach was struck by the idea that the role was a great match for his wife.” Uh-huh. And Larry Craig etc., etc. But I guess this bit of rationalized nepotism would be much sillier if his wife didn’t happen to be the brilliant Jennifer Jason Leigh, who’s great in the film.
Best gay TV in history: It was on the BET Awards, when Jennifer Holliday and Jennifer Hudson duetted on the loudest song of all time, “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going.” There was nothing overtly gay about it, but there was everything gay about it. In fact, just watching this astoundingly powerful duet made you want to redesign all your friends’ apartments and take it up the ass. That’s probably why they immediately yanked it off YouTube.
Quickest change of philosophy: On Larry King Live—yes, I watch it a lot—the likable Joy Behar said she felt Rosie O’Donnell shouldn’t have fought back against Donald Trump because that kind of retaliation dignifies the attack, takes attention away from your work, and ultimately hurts your career. But when Larry then asked Joy how she felt about Donald calling her a no-talent, she replied, “What talent does he have?”
As for Ellen DeGeneres‘s 20-hanky dog mess: Her publicist wanted to supersede the signed contract so the dog could stay with Ellen’s hairdresser friend? But this same kind of flack (a pit bull, as it were) generally calls out the militia when a client is served purple jellybeans instead of the requested lavender ones. Save the crocodile tears. I’ll side with the animal shelter.
My new drag names: Kelly Green, Rhoda Dendrum, Lana Cane, Bertha DaBlues, Olive Boats, Bindi Pressed, Vera Cruz, Rosie Scenario, Isabella Duncan Donuts, and for a drag king, Ciro Conversion, Artie Choke, Basil Pesto, Arthur Avenue, Al Dente, or Chuck Sirloin.
Don’t you hate when this happens?: Anthony Fortunato, one of a group of guys charged with an anti-gay hate death, argued that he’s gay himself. But excuse me, tons of anti-gay actions are initiated by queens, especially self-loathing closet cases! I mean, really a lot of them! It’s still a hate crime! Fortunately, the law agreed.
Weirdest move by any defense: Phil Spector‘s lawyers had him simulate pointing a loaded weapon in order to prove that it couldn’t possibly have happened. But all that’s now left in the world’s collective mind is the image of a weirdo with bad hair looking very comfortable aiming a gun into space— so comfortable, in fact, that he seemed almost comatose. They couldn’t have done worse if they’d actually given him a loaded weapon and had him aim it at the jury. Inspiringly enough, he got off anyway. Shoot me.
The other most vivid image: Katie Holmes running for her life! I know she was just having fun as part of the New York City Marathon, but still, the sight of the gal racing and huffing and puffing made you mutter, “Keep going, girl! Get away!”
Reality TV is unreal: Lindsay Lohan was propelled into a self-destructive fast-lane life that always seems to have her teetering on the brink of oblivion. So what does mama do? She starts a reality show in which she pushes her youngest children into the same hideous situation! Meanwhile, Larry Birkhead won custody of Dannielynn because he seemed so much more genuine and caring than that other freak. So what does he do? He reportedly starts a reality show in which he thrusts the baby into the camera while greasing his pocket and press kit. Whatever happened to classy, ennobling shows like Anna Nicole’s?
What’s with the guy who checks off your receipt as you leave Kmart?: He never matches it to the merchandise you’re carrying! You could have bought one thing and piled 20 more into your bag, but all he cares about is seeing if you have a receipt—any receipt—so he can check it off and wish you a nice day. The K is clearly for kooky-krazy.
If only she’d lived, we’d now have . . . the blog of Anne Frank. Works for me.
My NEXT year-end wrap-up—you know, for 2008—has already gotten a little boost thanks to a bit of nightlife news that just flew onto my runway. It seems party queenpins Susanne Bartsch and Kenny—who did fun, feathery, sexy bashes at Happy Valley, Room Service, and Arena—are reteaming for a Tuesday night event that’ll start in the near future. I’ll fill you in on it as soon as I take the glitter out of my colon (long story).
More gayola news: Justin Ocean is seguing from editor of the gay-bar mag
Next to editor of Out Traveler. Sounds like a fun trip!