Golden Tablets and the American Dream


Dear Mexican: I feel that the more Mexicans come to this country, the better. I am a Mormon, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. In our Book of Mormon, on page 54, it says on the left side of the page in verse 6: “There shall none come into this land save they shall be brought by the hand of the Lord.” I want as many Mexicans in this country as possible, and then I want to tell them about Joseph Smith and get them baptized and enjoy the blessings of the temple. Come on down, you are welcome by me. —Love my Brown Brothers

A. Dear Gabacho: Gracias for your welcoming heart, even if your ulterior motive is stealing Mexicans away from the Virgin of Guadalupe for a religion requiring magic underwear. While we’re talking about Moroni worshippers, can you do me a favor and ask Mitt Romney why he’s such an ingrate toward Mexicans? After all, Romney would’ve probably been some Jack Mormon jerk-off if it weren’t for porous fronteras and living in violation of a country’s laws. His great-grandfather, Miles Park Romney, fled los Estados Unidos for Mexico during the 1880s to escape American authorities and continue his polygamous ways, while Mitt’s papi George was born in Chihuahua and is therefore more Mexican than your typical Chicano Studies major. Not only that, but Pancho Villa’s troops were kind enough not to massacre Mormon colonies during the Mexican Revolution, thus allowing the infant George and his family to return home and ensure that Mitt’s Brilliantined hair would grace America. One final point, Brown Brothers: por favor, tell Mitt and all other Mexican-hating LDSers that the Book of Mormon requires amnesty for illegals. The quote you cited above comes from the Second Book of Nephi and is a wonderful passage, but what about the one before it, which tells the Saints that Lehi prophesized about America: “Yea, the Lord hath covenanted this land unto me, and to my children forever, and also all those who should be led out of other countries by the hand of the Lord” (2 Nephi 1:5). Hear that, Mitt? Let my gente go—into the United States with free health care, por supuesto.

Q. How can a white guy learn how to type in Spanish? Not learn the language—how do you make the keyboard type Spanish characters?—Carpal Tunnel Cabrón

A. Dear Gabacho: It depends on what operating system you use and what you’re trying to type. To make an acute accent appear on a Macintosh, hold down the Option key, hit the E key, release Option, then type the vowel you want accented. Spanish’s other diacritics get registered roughly the same way. An umlaut appears by pressing Option, hitting the U key, releasing Option, and hitting U again; do the same if you want a tilde, but substitute the N key for U. For upside-down exclamation points, hold down Option and hit the 1 key—¡Voila! An upside-down question mark is a bit trickier—hold down Option plus Shift, then punch the question-mark key, ¿comprende? Microsoft Word is somewhat complex. Upside-down exclamation points and question marks require you to hit Control plus Alt plus Shift, then type whatever you want flipped around. Acute accents pop up after you hold down Control, hit the apostrophe key and release it, and type in your vowel. A tilde: Control plus Shift plus squiggly mark; release; the letter N. Both Macs and Microsoft require you to hold the Shift key after executing the above instructions if you want a diacritic to top a capital letter. And remember, people: no grave accents in Spanish, or tildes on letters other than N—that’s the domain of the mongrel tongue known as Portuguese.

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