Q. Here’s what’s up: My wife and I were making love the other night and after about 20 minutes of great sex she told me she was going to come. She went ahead and had a great orgasm and then pretty much shut down. I was left lying on the bed with a huge hard-on and the expectation that she would “help” me out a little bit. But after a few minutes, it became apparent that she had no intention of doing anything but going to sleep. We had a mini-fight about it later. She felt that since on other (rare) occasions I have had an orgasm and she hasn’t, it was okay to leave me the way she did. What gives? I have a case, don’t I?
Incidentally, for some reason after 10 minutes of this bickering, we were both still turned on and we ended up having sex again—and this time we both got off. —Loaded Question
A. So long as you’ve offered to get the wife off on those occasions when you’ve come first—and made the offer with a smiling, upbeat, only-too-happy-to-do-it tone in your voice, LQ, and followed through—she is obligated to do the same. If, however, you’ve rolled over and passed out on those occasions when you’ve come first, she is under no obligation to treat your ass with any more consideration.
Q. While visiting my family for the holidays, my 72-year-old father, hardly able to contain his excitement, informed me that a 29-year-old Russian woman was coming to America to be with him. Dad didn’t want me to tell my brother and sister, because he knew they would be critical of him being with a 29-year-old Russian virgin. He’s correct: They would judge him, but I couldn’t care less about whom he fucks.
I did ask if he had sent this woman any money. He insisted that he had not. Over the next couple days, I got my father to confess to sending this woman more than $3,000 (he won’t give me the real number). A few days later, he went to the airport to meet his lovely Russian girlfriend—obviously, no Russian woman got off the plane.
I have since had some conversations with my dad about the likelihood of a legitimate 29-year-old woman—or even a 50-year-old woman—wanting to be with a 72-year-old man in bad health. There is nothing exceptional about him: He is overweight, basically lives on Social Security with enough left in retirement savings for some luxury in life, has no special talents that would make a much younger woman attracted to him (i.e., he is no Jack Nicholson). I encouraged him to think about more age-appropriate partners and did some Internet searches for him on legit dating websites, but he’s not interested in anyone close to his age: Those women are “old,” he says.
Dad says he’s lonely without female companionship, but I don’t think this is about being lonely. He works on occasion for my brother and goes out with family and friends. I think this is about an old man who wants to recapture his youth by being with a younger woman—which is fine. But as his son, I feel obligated to protect what little he has; he has already been scammed once. We have always had a good relationship. But he confides in me less now because I “lectured” him about his Russian girlfriend and the age difference.
Should I help him with the dream of finding a much younger woman? Or do I continue down the path of convincing him to seek out women who, if not age-appropriate, at least have similar life experiences? —No Fools Like Old Fools
A. If your dad admits to sending this woman $3K, NFLOF, he probably sent her 10 times that. Explain to your father that he can have a hot younger woman whenever he wants by renting one—an honest pro, a decent whore, someone who only wants to take him for her reasonable hourly rate. Yes, he’ll be paying for it, but he’ll be paying a lot less and actually getting it. With a little effort, you and your dad can find a kind, understanding pro, someone he can see regularly and with whom he can establish a “relationship” of sorts, something that involves a little companionship and affection, real or simulated, and not just sex.
It may not be legal, of course, but it’s the only way a man who isn’t rich and famous—like Donald Trump or Fred Thompson—can land a 29-year-old bride.
And finally, NFLOF, you need to discuss what went down with your siblings and talk to your father’s doc, if he has one. If he’s dangerously out of touch with reality—like Donald Trump or Fred Thompson—you may need to step in and take over his finances before his next mail-order bride takes him for all he’s worth.
Q. I have been dating my girlfriend for six months, and we are passionate about each other, making love at least twice a day. We’re very much in love. My girlfriend’s best friend is a gay male whom she dated in high school before he came out. I asked my girlfriend about taking a vacation together this year and she told me that she can’t because she’s going to Italy for two weeks with her gay ex. Is this screwed up, or am I freaking out about nothing? I mean, she is going away for two weeks with her ex-boyfriend who now just happens to be gay?! —Jealously Justified
A. At six months, JJ, you don’t have the seniority to make demands on your girlfriend where travel companions are concerned. And he’s gay, you idiot. They dated in high school. He is, for all intents and purposes, her girlfriend now—he probably always was. Seeing as he’s just a friend, JJ, why shouldn’t she travel with him? What are you afraid of? That he’s going to streak her hair over there?
If you can’t be chill about this, you’re going to sabotage this relationship. You haven’t been dating that long, so she either made these plans before you met or before you two became serious. At a year and six months—maybe—you would have a right to be aggrieved if she was running off for two weeks with a friend, preventing you two from going away together. But at this point, any bitching from you is going to raise red flags. If you’re smart—and the jury’s out—you’ll say, “Gee, I wish I was going with you—I can’t wait until we can travel together and fuck our way across Europe.” And, if you must, you can add, “I know it’s completely irrational, but I’m feeling a little jealous and threatened. Tell me again how completely and thoroughly and screamingly gay your ex is, please.” Say that with a smile so she’ll laugh, then you fake a laugh, and then take them both out to dinner, give them a travel guide, and tell ’em you hope they have fun over there.
And who knows? If you play your cards right, JJ, you might get invited along. But if you act like a jealous, irrational douchebag, you’re definitely going to get your ass dumped.