Premieres can be achingly tedious affairs where you stare at the floor as the filmmakers get up to publicly admire each others’ spunk and perspicacity. (“Thanks, Vince. You helped make Fred Claus a life-altering labor of love!”) But at the recent premiere of The Orphanage, the spooky-dooky film Spain is submitting to the Oscars, director Juan Antonio Bayona and producer Guillermo Del Toro (the Pan’s Labyrinth guy) at least gave us a sick, fun little show with some realness. “Guillermo used to say I talk English like an Egyptian prostitute,” moaned Bayona. “In a biblical moment,” clarified Del Toro, who added that Bayona has a terrible haircut and never chipped in for their lunches. “And he always talks about how short I am,” Bayona went on, reclaiming the offensive. “I looked on the Internet and it said, ‘The Orphanage was directed by a dwarf!’ ” The movie wasn’t too long either.
Speaking of awards movies, the Golden Globes hoopla has been practically decimated by the writers strike, but I feel it’s karma that actually did them in. In fact, I’m certain the Globes were actually punished because they hate old people! They’re obviously liver spot phobic and crazily averse to adult diapers—and longtime achievement! In all their elaborate lists of nominations, the easily enticed Globe committee of Egyptian prostitutes left out seasoned pros like Vanessa Redgrave, Frank Langella, Hal Holbrook, Ruby Dee, and Max Von Sydow! Meanwhile, they love anybody super famous and a little bit glamorous, as long as they don’t have an AARP card. They made sure to put into their list of honorees fancypusses like Julia Roberts, Angelina Jolie, Jodie Foster, Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, and John Travolta. They went for anyone “telegenic”—and now, without their usual star-laden telecast, that approach is rendered totally useless! God said ha!
This week’s La Dolce Musto: “A New Crisis for Britney’s Sister?“