Shitty Band Promo #1: Broad Noodles


Time to step up your grassroots-promo game! Your stickers don’t have to suck, even if your band does.

We are sooo frightened of that brown smudge.

WHO: Broad Noodles is a classless Coney Island band of lumpy metal dudes who think it’s hilarious to call breasts “sweater meat” and say things like “Your mom taught me to queef.”

PROMOTIONAL TACTIC: Handwritten, faux-provocative non-sequiturs on stickers.

SOUNDS LIKE: Proudly self-described as “Slayer vs. Dolly Parton in a farting match!” but really it’s just plain shit.

ALSO: At least two of their songs are about poontang, including one that’s rather explicit about one woman’s lack of hygiene (“The Stinky Clicky”), which is especially gross if you’re beer-bellied and ugly and lucky to be getting some, which of course couldn’t possibly be the situation with Broad Noodles because they’re so hot. Spank Rock can rap all about Lindsay Lohan’s nether regions all he wants; it’s actually conceivable that that he might actually be in the same room with her. Lohan’s manager would probably call the cops if Broad Noodles showed up.

RIYL: Misogyny.

SCORE: 6.9 out 100.

We started this over here, but we’re gonna finish it here. Consider this first one a reprint.

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